


Bitter/Sweet

by Purpleprose556



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Alternate Universe - Sugar Daddy, Blind Date, Double Dating, First Meetings, Flirting, Humor, M/M, Meet-Cute, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Porn with Feelings, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Sexting, Sonia Kaspbrak Being Terrible, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Sugar Daddy, Sugar Daddy Richie Tozier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:28:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 33,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29093520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purpleprose556/pseuds/Purpleprose556
Summary: Eddie and Stan join a sugar daddy app on a drunken whim and find two very interested users. (Centers mostly on the Reddie relationship).****Name: LongshotStats: 25 / Male / GayI'm not writing something stupid, fuck you.Name: Wild&CrazyGuyStats: 40 / Male / GayIt's just a ride...About MeUhhh I'm gay as fuck and I have money lolWhat I'm Looking ForSomeone interesting, I guess? Haha I don't know what to write sykktjkgssgb :)
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Past Eddie Kaspbrak/Stanley Uris, Past Richie Tozier/Bill Denbrough
Comments: 47
Kudos: 147





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in this fandom - I love Reddie! 
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> TW for this chapter - slight mention of vomiting.

_**You will soon embark on an exciting journey.** _

_Oh, fuck you._

Eddie dropped the fortune onto the living room table in disgust. Stan had suggested Chinese takeout for dinner, which was their go to meal option when they were stressed. Considering the circumstances, it was an appropriate selection.

It was already a strange year. Normally, around early January, Eddie would be breaking in a new planner, listing all his goals for the upcoming year (he refused to call them resolutions on principle), creating timetables and detailing possible setbacks and obstacles. 

His planner for this year remained on his nightstand, untouched. It seemed to mock him. 

Eddie stared at his half empty glass of wine and fought the urge to completely slouch into the sofa. Their current financial situation was, as Stan so eloquently expressed earlier that evening, utterly fucked. He'd crunched the numbers a few times, and concluded that unless a miracle occurred, they were set to run out of money for their apartment and basic expenses before the end of the new year.

Eddie swallowed the last of his wine, trying not to stare as Stan tapped a pencil against his well worn notepad. "Okay, so...how bad is it?"

"Bad," Stan replied, and downed the last of his wine with a sigh. "We've got three months, maybe, with our current salaries and savings."

"Fuck." Eddie sat back on his chair and pushed his palms against his eyes. Both of them were almost two years out of college, and were fortunate enough to find entry level positions in their fields - Eddie as a credit analyst, Stan as a beginner CPA - but said positions also came with entry level salaries. Rent and the cost of living in Los Angeles had already put pressure on their combined savings, but having two student loans to pay off made their situation nearly impossible. Moving wasn't really an option, since any new apartment would require both first and last month's rent, as well as a security deposit. They didn't have enough free time to get side jobs, which wouldn't pay much anyway, and they certainly couldn't ask their families for help. 

Any way you looked at it, Eddie figured, they were indeed fucked.

"Okay." Eddie got up and headed into the kitchen, grabbing two shot glasses and a bottle of orange vodka that he'd bought on a whim a month ago.

"Okay?" Stan turned to watch him, raising an eyebrow when he saw the bottle. "So we're...?" 

"We're having shots," Eddie announced, joining him back on the couch. He set a glass in front of his friend and twisted the cap off the bottle. "It's Friday, we're young, we're broke with no prospects, so...shots."

Stan snorted, but picked up his shot glass and clinked it against Eddie's before gulping it down. "Ah, fuck. Well, happy new year."

"Yup. Happy new year."

* * * *

"...So I tell him, I fucking look him in the fucking eye, and I tell him that if he didn't adjust the goddamn financial statement to include write-offs, then the whole thing is fucking useless." Eddie waved his hands around as he spoke, almost smacking Stan on the arm as he poured more vodka into their glasses. "And the fucking idiot had the nerve to say that he didn't think it would be relevant!"

"Sounds like a fucking imbecile." Stan threw back another shot with a grunt. "There's a guy on my team who keeps making entry reversal errors, and I swear to God, if I have to explain bad-faith estimates to him one more time, I'm actually going to stab him."

Eddie rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I think we're cursed to be surrounded by fucking morons."

"No shit." Stan slammed his glass down. "Fuck it. One more. Then we'll sleep it off."

* * * *

"Uh...fuck. Actually, yeah, that's one of them. Fuck...shit, fuck, cocksucker..."

Stan groaned and set his shot glass on the table. "The fuck are you babbling about?"

"The seven words you can't say on TV! Very famous...George Carlin bit. I can't..." Eddie grunted. "I can't remember them now. The, uh, three..."

"What the fuck, Eddie..."

"Motherfucker, tits...ehhh..."

"Sloth, wrath..."

"Those are deadly sins, fuckhead!" Eddie frowned. "Is fuckhead one of them...?"

"Just...here, have another shot."

* * * *

"Wait...wait." Eddie lay on the couch, grinning up at the ceiling. "You would seriously fuck Jake Gyllenhaal over Chris Evans?"

"Chris Evans seems high maintenance," Stan slurred, waving his hand around as he squirmed on the recliner. "And Jake has expressive eyes. I like that. Cute."

"He is cute, but Chris Evans is so..." Eddie sighed. "So big."

"Big?" Stan snickered. "He's not much taller than you, Eddie."

"Mmm, but he has those broad shoulders, and long legs...and...teeth..."

"Better to eat you up, my dear." Stan snickered as Eddie giggled and writhed on the couch. 

"Shut...shut _up_." Eddie held out his hand and made a grabby motion. "C'mon, let's do one more shot. Then sleep."

* * * *

"You know...you know what we should do?" Stan smiled at Eddie's blank expression and waved his arms around, only to have them collapse against his chest. "We, um. We..." He frowned. "I...yeah. Wait, what?"

Eddie snorted. "I have not said a word. You have the, uh. Chair. I haven't...I am here. Listening to you."

"Oh. Mmm. Well. Um..."

"Should...should do something. That's what you said."

"Oh! Yeahhh..." Stan sighed. "Yeah, I...I had an idea."

"Erm, um. If you're, uh. Like, I can't, tonight?"

"... What?"

"I..." Eddie tried to turn to look at the other man and nearly rolled off the couch. The room had stopped spinning, but it was definitely moving. "I cannot. I can't fuck tonight. Drank too much. But, um. Thank you!"

Stan groaned. "Nooo...I can't either. And wasn't gonna say that."

"Oh."

They grew quiet, both of them trying to formulate the best way to move the conversation forward. In college, they'd dated for a few months before realizing their relationship worked better as a friendship. Still, they didn't have time for relationships, so occasionally they would hook up. It had been just over a month since they'd had sex, and there was something about the last time that felt final, as if they knew that their friendship needed to have a platonic focus in order to keep things running smoothly. 

"It's...yeah! I remember now." Stan giggled. "We should...start a band."

Eddie scoffed. "How? We don't...can't do it. Neither of us can play instruments."

"Yeah, but it would be really, really, really cool. You know?" Stan sighed. "Just, the coolest."

"Mmm." Eddie briefly closed his eyes. "Could tour. Have shirts with logos, and... lyrics."

"Gay teens would have posters of us. In their lockers and rooms and stuff."

"S'cool." The room was tilting now, almost pleasantly, Eddie decided. "Think we'd get groupies?"

"Sure. Maybe...maybe wealthy benefactors. Could start a Pat... Patroclus." Stan grunted. "Patagona."

"Patronus?"

"That site that tells people to give you money for doing stuff! You know what I mean."

Eddie cackled. "Yeah. We'd get all the things, and we'd have rich fans. With money. We could get us some sugar daddies."

"Ha. Right."

* * * *

Autocorrect was an impressive feature. It was interpret Eddie's typed search for **bst way prvnt a. hanhocer** , as well as another search he placed out of sheer curiosity. "Holy shit."

"Mmm?"

"Sugar daddies... they're actually a thing. Rich guys give young people money. They just...give them money."

Stan snorted. "Yeah, for sex."

"Not necessarily. This girl says she's never even _met_ her sugar daddy...fuck, I hate that term...but yeah, she's never met him in person, they only talked on the phone and through emails, and he bought her a fucking house." Eddie shook his head. "What the fuck?"

"That's crazy. She's lying."

"And there are gay sugar daddies." Eddie frowned at his phone. "But how does this work? I'm confused."

"You're drunk. I'm drunk. This is a bizarre conversation and it's late." Stan grunted as he grabbed at his phone. "That girl gets a fucking house. And meanwhile, we can barely pay rent. It's bullshit."

"Damn right."

* * * *

"Did you install it yet?"

"I'm. I'm looking for it." Stan stared blearily at his phone. "What's the app called?"

"SweetLife." Eddie scrolled through the list of testimonials on the app, the anecdotes making him read through everything twice. "These stories are...they're insane. One guy meets with his, uh, boyfriend? I can't fucking refer to these guys as daddies. Anyway, they meet every weekend for dates, and for his birthday, his boyfriend surprised him with a trip to Bora Bora. Bora fucking Bora! And on Valentine's Day, he took him to the French Riviera. Jesus."

"It's free to join. As a...um. Recipient." Stan frowned. "What would a...a provider get out of this kind of arrangement?"

"Maybe they get off on the idea that they can afford it? I don't know." Eddie tapped on the What to Expect link and did a double take at the projected figures. "Holy shit, it's common for these guys to set up a monthly allowance."

"An _allowance_?" Stan rolled his eyes. "That's demeaning."

"The range is typically from $1,000 to $5,000 a month. Then there's gifts, which can include paying off credit card and student loan debts."

_"What?"_ Stan frantically tapped his phone screen, then paused. "Wait. It's in exchange for sex, right? We'd have to fuck some old guys, and..."

"No. Not unless we want to." Eddie squinted. "It's just... pictures, mostly. Doesn't even have to be nudes. And texts, and phone calls. The occasional dinner and coffee date."

"Oh. Well, shit, that's very reasonable, actually, and..fuck, what the fuck am I saying? NO. We're not doing this!" Stan threw his phone down to the floor and grabbed the nearly empty vodka bottle. "Fuck it, we're finishing off this bottle and going to bed. We'll figure something out tomorrow for our goddamn finances."

* * * *

"Okay, I'm setting my username as Jackdaw..."

" _Jackdaw?_ Your name is Stan, why the fuck would you choose that? People are going to think your name is Jack."

Stan huffed. "I'm not putting my real name out there! And jackdaws are extremely intelligent, they can count and recognize individual human faces!"

Eddie shrugged. He'd settled into a pleasantly hazy buzz, well aware that he was drunk, but sober enough to navigate through creating a user profile on a sugar daddy site. A part of him was absolutely horrified, silently screaming that he needed to stop and lie down before he made a complete fool of himself, but he pushed it away and focused on the task at hand. "Fair enough. My username's going to be Longshot."

"....What."

"It's a comic book reference. X-Men." Eddie scowled at Stan's withering expression. "Don't give me that fucking look! You picked a goddamn bird!"

"A bird with intelligence. A bird that actually exists."

"Yeah, well, Longshot escaped from another dimension and he can manipulate luck, so fuck you!"

Stan rubbed his face. "Jesus Christ. You're a fucking adult, Eddie."

"I like what I like, asshole!" Eddie groaned. "Aw, shit, you gotta write a goddamn headline for your profile. The examples make me want to fucking puke. 'I'm the sweet prince you've been looking for', 'Anything for my sweet daddy', fuck you. You know what, that's what I'm putting. 'Fuck you'."

"Oh shit, I dare you."

"I'm doing it! This is it...'I'm not writing something stupid, fuck you.' There. I typed it, it's staying."

"Mmm. I'm putting 'Don't bother talking to me if you're stupid, fuck off.'"

Eddie snickered and tapped on the Add photo link. "Okay, so for a picture, I'm gonna post one I took in my room, it's pretty recent."

"You take pictures of yourself in there?"

"Not like...nudes!"

"Then what the fuck?"

"Um." Eddie rubbed his neck. "You remember Matt, right?"

Stan groaned. "I still can't believe you dated that fucking moron."

"Shut up. He texted me a while ago..."

"Ugh! When?"

"It was spring! May, I think. He was back in town for a work thing. We met up a few times, and uh. He asked for a picture of me wearing my red running shorts." Eddie huffed at Stan's eye roll. "Whatever! Fuck you! It's a good picture!"

"Let me see." Stan leaned close to squint at Eddie's phone and nodded. "Okay, yeah. That's a good picture. Even if it was for that dumbass."

"Thank you. I'm cropping it, though. Not gonna show my face on here."

"Keep your jawline in the picture, it's hot." Stan yawned and poked at his phone. "I'm posting the one you took of me, from that stupid fucking holiday office party that you dragged me to." Stan held up his phone when Eddie frowned in confusion. "This one."

"Oh, that's a good one, shows off your arms and your chest."

"You still owe me for making me go to that thing," Stan scowled.

"Uh, no." Eddie smirked. "I repaid you that night by making you come twice. Then I made french toast the next morning, with powdered sugar and everything. The debt is paid, Uris."

"Mmph, I suppose. Anyway, I'm cropping my picture too, I'm not showing these fucks my whole face." Stan tapped on his phone a bit more and then grinned. "There. Profile is now up."

"I'm about done with mine...yeah." Eddie pressed Publish and snickered to himself. "I kinda like the idea of pissing off random rich assholes."

"Fuck yeah." Stan picked up his empty shot glass and raised it in Eddie's direction. "Happy new year, rich assholes! Fuck all of you!"

"Here, here!" Eddie pushed himself off the couch. "Whoa...okay. Gonna go sleep now."

"Me too." Stan hauled himself to his feet with a grunt. "Shit. Wow. Gonna...gonna lay down." He stumbled toward his room, reaching to steady himself against the wall as he walked. "Night, Eddie."

Eddie yawned and turned to head to his own room. "Night Stan."

* * * *

_Nooo....no...._

Consciousness came and went. The apartment was, thankfully, quiet and dark, but Eddie was convinced that at one point, someone had come into his room, scooped out his brain with a spatula, and filled his empty skull with bees.

Eddie closed his eyes, and after an undetermined amount of time, managed to rouse himself out of bed. He gagged at the horrid taste in his mouth and staggered into the bathroom just in time to get reach the toilet.

_I am a fucking idiot._

After completely emptying his stomach and fighting the urge to cry, Eddie brushed his teeth, then stripped off his clothes and ran a wet washcloth over himself. What he wanted was a nice long shower, or even a bath, but he simply did not have the energy. This would have to do until he felt like an actual human being again. 

_Why the fuck did we drink so much?_

_Money. We were talking about money. We're fucked, Stan had said._

_Great._

Slowly Eddie made his way to his nightstand, blindly griping for his phone. It was, like him, still recovering from the previous evening, having been left uncharged all night. It was only at seventeen percent.

Luckily one of them had the foresight to make sure the blinds were closed that morning, so Eddie was able to prepare a hangover breakfast after taking a couple of maximum relief pain pills. 

As the coffee brewed, Eddie set up a small spread of whole wheat bagels, avocado spread, fruit, and cream cheese. The idea of eating had him wanting to gag a bit, but it was a proven fact that the human body needed to be replenished with vitamins and minerals after a night of excess drinking. Stan was going to give him grief, but proper nutrition was essential at a time like this.

"No. No food." Stan shuffled into the kitchen, rubbing at his forehead. "Just, no."

"Morning." Eddie pointed to the coffeemaker. "It's almost ready."

"Fuck you, Edward Kaspbrak." Stan stumbled onto a chair with a grimace. "I hate you. You tried to kill me."

Eddie grunted and set a glass of water and two pain pills in front of him. Stan glared at him, but took the medicine with a wince. "Ugh."

"You have to eat," Eddie mumbled, rubbing his eyes. "Blood sugar levels."

"Don't want to." Stan folded his arms on the table and bowed his head. "Mmmph."

"You're gonna eat at some point, jackass." Eddie headed back to his room, figuring his phone had to be charged by then. He needed a distraction from feeling like rotting garbage. 

Eddie poked at his phone, managing a small smile when he heard Stan rummaging around the kitchen and muttering to himself. He would be cranky today, but eating breakfast was a good sign. Maybe later they could actually form a plan for their financial predicament.

His inbox was full, which wasn't a surprise. Eddie was still on the list for various LGBTQIA student groups, and the occasional spam email would worm its way into his unread messages.

He scrolled through the messages, making a mental note to go on an unsubscribing spree when he was more lucid. Most of the subjects seemed like the usual dull fare - Trial offers for crap, vote for this person, etc. One message stood out, however, sounding alarm bells as soon as Eddie spotted it. He read the subject line a few times, wondering if he was somehow hallucinating or if this was part of a very strange, very realistic dream. 

_Hey Sweet Thing! Your profile is now active on SweetLife!_

Eddie glared at the email, ready to delete it, but the vaguely familiar name made him pause. Maybe he signed up for a dating site? 

_Shit._

Horrific scenarios involving identity theft and potential blackmail made him click on the Open Message link with barely contained hysteria.

_Welcome to SweetLife, Sugar Baby! Thanks for signing up for the #1 rated Best Gay Sugar Daddy/Baby app designed to fit YOUR needs!_

"Oh...."

_...your profile can be viewed by thousands of Sugar Daddies..._

"Oh God."

_... connect with thousands of successful men, all ready to spoil you rotten!_

"No, no, no, no, no..."

_...can check on your inbox here, and get that sugar! ;)_

"Oh my fucking God." Eddie closed his email app with a sob. "Oh my fucking _God_!"

A new icon sat on the lower right of his phone screen. It was black with "SL" written in bright pink letters, and the sight of it actually made Eddie gag. On the top left was the number 33.

"What...?" With shaking hands, he clicked on the app, which cheerfully informed him that he had 33 unread messages, and 20 unopened gifts. 

_Breathe in, one two three, exhale, one two three. Breathe..._

His profile had been viewed 72 times.

_Breathe, breathe, breathe..._

Eddie's eyes darted over the profile, looking for anything incriminating or too revealing. It was, thankfully, discreet. It didn't have his real name, and the picture didn't even show his full face. 

_Oh thank god thank god thank god..._

Curiosity outweighed his better judgement, and Eddie clicked on the unread messages link.

**BigDaddy6999:** Mmm, yeah, you got some attitude. You want a spanking?

**StuddMan4193:** I wanna see you ride my dick

**ChicagoJoe:** Fuck yeah, baby, let me be your daddy, I want you to drain me. - This Daddy sent you a gift! Click here to accept!

"What...?"

Eddie clicked the link, and almost dropped the phone. The guy had sent him $50.00. For nothing. 

He shook his head, then swiped away from the Message section to his Gifts section, braced himself, and opened the link. 

_Welcome, Longshot! Here are your gifts, remember you can transfer then to your account at any time (click here to check the service fee levels to transfer funds immediately). Enjoy!_

\- ChicagoJoe sent a total of $50.00  
\- Suge6778 sent a total of $50.00  
\- DaddyDave sent a total of $100.00

"... Stan?"

\- PoppaBear79 sent a total of $50.00  
\- CEOJack sent a total of $100.00  
\- KingSugar74 sent a total of $100.00

"Stan?"

The names kept going. Eddie scrolled in shock, then he reached the bottom and nearly dropped the phone.

\-- Current Total: $1,150.00 --

_Click here to transfer funds!_

"STAN!"


	2. Chapter 2

\- **Steve** : Did you get the script?

\- **Steve** : Nevermind, I know you got it. What do you think? 

\- **Steve** : Richie...

\- **Steve** : RICHIE. It's been two days. Stop ignoring my texts. Are you interested in the part or not?

"Ugh. Hello to you too." Richie sighed and replied **NO** , just managing not to include a slew of emojis with disgusted expressions. The script was a goddamn disaster, with outdated references and shitty dialogue, plus the director's previous movies _sucked_ and Katherine Heigl was set to star as the love interest. No fucking thank you.

Richie's phone buzzed with a message from Steve, telling him he'd let the producers know he was passing on the project, and promising that he had a few other scripts that he would be sending out. Richie barely managed not to send back a shrug emoji and checked his other texts. 

The only other message was from Dave, Richie's latest publicist, a somewhat feared veteran in the industry and a certified douche. Dave apparently had decided that his goal in life was to be a walking nightmare, and that Richie deserved to be constantly annoyed. The proof was in his latest series of texts imploring Richie to consider his latest pitch - appearing in ads for a certain fast food chain that was well-known for having a wildly conservative CEO. Richie had responded by asking Dave if a) this was a prank, or b) if Dave had lost his mind, but according to Dave's texts, he was a) serious, the company was trying to change their image, and b) Dave was perfectly sane, thank you. 

_God, I want to fire you. I want to fire you so hard._ Richie ached for it. He'd fantasized about it, sending Dave a text in all caps, or a singing telegram, or hire a skywriter, but Steve had begged him - actually got on his knees - to not let Dave go. Maybe it was because Richie was impulsive, or because Dave was well-respected in their circles, or maybe it was because Richie went through publicists like Tom Cruise went through fake girlfriends. 

First there was Scott, who quit after Ritchie's tweet about how Starbucks should lower their prices because drinking too much coffee made a guy's semen taste terrible (Richie hadn't even come out yet, and he still believed that tweet should have been a huge hint). Richie had followed up the tweet with a list of possible drinks to combat the problem - Yummy Nut Nutmeg, Suck Me Cinnamon, etc. - and the resulting trending tags were delightful. Starbucks was less than pleased, and although they didn't reply publicly to Richie's suggestions, Scott had been inundated with furious calls from the coffee chain, and that was enough to push him over the edge.

Then there was Abby, who was known for being able to remove unfavorable headlines from Google searches for celebrities, and soon smoothed over the situation with Starbucks. Abby was less than enthused for her job after Richie's interview with GQ, where he mused that listening to Larry the Cable Guy's act was probably as enjoyable as rimming Dick Cheney. Abby also hated how Richie handled rumors that he was dating Katie Holmes (that was clearly not him in those paparazzi pictures of her on a brunch date, c'mon). Richie personally thought replying to various tweets with Mariah Carey's "I don't know her" gif was genius, but according to Abby, there were "ways to handle this sort of thing", and asked him to tweet a dorky, "I'm flattered but it's not me, best wishes to Katie!" message. Richie had refused, and instead retweeted a few dril tweets until the powers that be moved on to the next celebrity gossip. 

Still, Abby had hung in there, until Richie was spotted at the premiere for "Us" with his best friend Bill Denbrough. It was a great night; the movie was fantastic, Richie got to spend time with his childhood friend, and they even got to schmooze a bit with Jordan Peele and Jason Blum. Abby loved that. What she didn't love was Richie's series of Twitter polls asking how gay it would be to perform a series of sex acts with one's evil clone. Richie's followers had decided that fingering your clone was only "hella gay", while going down on your clone was "way gay", and felching was "super duper gay". It was research, and a lot of fun, and Abby was disgusted. 

**\- Get off Twitter** , she'd sent Richie in a furious text.

 **\- You lost me at "Twitter" >;)**, he'd replied. 

She'd quit immediately after. 

Richie thought he'd found a good fit with Chase, but then Skullfuckgate happened. Richie had joined Tom Segura on stage at Bonnaroo, and they'd started a playful banter of what kind of skulls would be best for fucking, how dead the corpse should be, what orifices would give the best feel on one's dick, etc. Half of Twitter had angrily informed them that their debate over the preferable skull - Ronald Reagan or Elvis Presley? - was unforgivably immoral. Chase was similarly horrified and quit in a scathing voicemail that Richie absolutely treasured. He'd gleefully played the voicemail in Steve's office that next day, wondering out loud if he could get a DJ to make a remix of it. There had to be a way to set a danceable beat to such gems as "bizarre and morbid penis obsession" and "no therapist on Earth is equipped to handle Richie Tozier's depravity".

Steve had frowned as Richie wiggled in his seat, humming an imaginary beat to Chase's rant. "That's the third publicist in a year, Richie."

"Why do I even need a publicist?" Richie had asked Steve for what was probably the hundredth time. "All they seem to do is get pissed off at my material, do they not fucking know who they're signing up to work with?"

"You need a publicist, Richie. As your agent, I help you find projects. Movies, comedy festivals..."

"Um. Duh. Steve, I know this..."

"And setting up interviews, making travel arrangements, those are things I don't have time to do. A publicist is not your enemy." Steve took a breath. "And when you feel comfortable enough to come out, they can help with that as well."

Richie didn't have a response for that. Instead, he'd grudgingly agreed to work with his next publicist, and later that evening, sent his now famous "coming out" tweet:

Things that are gay AF:

\- glitter (all kinds)  
\- crop tops  
\- me lol :)

It went viral. Richie got a few replies asking if he was trolling or hacked, but replied that he was serious, then realized, _Shit, it's not enough. I have to say it. They have to hear me say it. I have to hear myself say it._

He'd paced for a bit in his bedroom, ignoring his incoming calls and wondering what the fuck his next move should be. Shit, maybe a publicist was a good idea.

_Should I have waited? Fuck._

The answer came to him immediately; he'd waited long enough. He was in the closet in high school, when he had his first secret boyfriend, then in college there were more secret boyfriends, then secret lovers, secret hook-ups, and fuck it, he was in his forties, enough was enough. 

Richie set up his phone on his desk and went live on Instagram before he could change his mind. 

There were already a shit ton of viewers, with messages scrolling far too fast for him to concentrate. 

_Shit, shit, here I go._

Richie waved at the screen. "Hey everybody, so, uh, real quick, no, I haven't been hacked, and I'm not doing a bit...I'm. I'm uh." He laughed at himself and ran his hands through his hair. "I'm gay. Yeah. I'm a gay guy." He cleared his throat and shifted around in his chair. "So...yeah. I'm not, um, dating anyone right now, and this isn't, you know, my way of looking, but uh...yeah. I'm tired of hiding." He smiled, his pulse settling into a less frantic rhythm. "I'm gay."

The internet exploded, and among the shitty homophobic responses were genuinely sweet ones, from fans and even people who hated his comedy. Richie had teared up a bit reading the replies from his peers, his favorites being from Patton Oswalt ("Anytime I see Richie Tozier trending, I brace myself before taking a closer look. This is the best reason so far. Proud of you, buddy." #RichieIsGayAF #GayPride), and Maria Bamford ("YAYYYY for Richie Tozier! Love is love! Ya big tall sweetie!"). 

The rest of the week had been a blur. Richie's phone went insane, and Steve was over the moon with the amount of offers that were coming in. Then came Dave, and with him, interviews with Out, The Advocate, Entertainment Weekly, and a trip around the late night circuit. By the end of the week, Richie was ready to crash. 

"I feel like I'm going insane," Richie groaned to Bill after he collapsed on his hotel bed. He was tired, lonely, and keyed up. A bad combination that usually lead to trouble. Calling his best friend seemed like the obvious solution.

Bill made a sympathetic noise. "What time is it there?"

"Almost midnight."

"Go to sleep, then." 

"I can't." 

"So go out. You're in New York, go get a slice of pizza or something."

"I can't. Too tired to go out. Not tired enough to sleep." Richie groaned again. "This is so boring, Billiam. There's only so many times I can discuss my gayness. You're a writer, help me out."

Bill snorted. "You don't need my help. You're your own favorite subject, Richie." 

"Tell me something interesting," Richie begged, and that lead to Bill saying one of the most interesting things Richie had ever heard in his life.

"Okay, well remember how I told you that I had an idea for a story about a guy whose boyfriend disappears, and he thinks he was abducted by a pack of werewolves? Well, I was thinking, what if the missing boyfriend was the guy's sugar daddy, you know? That whole balance of power thing, commentary on classes, etc. So, anyway, I signed up for a sugar daddy app, for research, and it's..."

"Whoa whoa whoa WHOA! That is a lot, Billy Boy, that is a lot of layers there." Richie sat up and pawed at the nightstand. He _had_ to get notes on this. "Okay, I remember the gay werewolf story..."

"Yeah, you told me that I'd finally lost my mind."

"A compliment, Big Bill, enjoy it. But you joined a fucking sugar daddy app?"

Bill sighed. "Yes, for research..."

"Holy shit, okay, just...hold on a sec." Richie frantically wrote into his notebook. This was gold. Pure gold. 

**\- Sugar daddy! Something about "he's going to be after my money anyway, might as well eliminate the middle man..."**

**\- A menu? Of sex things? Like at the Bunny Ranch?**

Richie picked his phone back up. "What's the name of the app?"

"What? No, Richie, this is for research only..."

"So it's a write off too? Fuck yes!" 

"You cannot seriously join a sugar daddy app, Richie."

"Why not? You did!"

"For _work_ , for my _story_..."

"This is for my work too! Now stop being an asshole and tell me the name of the app."

"God help us all." Bill sighed. "Okay, okay. It's SweetLife."

"Nice. Hold on a sec." Richie quickly located the app in question and jotted a few notes down while it installed. 

**So I joined a sugar daddy site -**

**NO -- works better as a punchline. Lead in with looking for connection, recently out, serious shit -- I've been looking for that connection, you know, it gets lonely on the road and I've got no one to come home to, and I'd like to spend my life with someone -**

_Fuck. Ouch._ Okay, so it was hitting close to home, but fuck it, the joke was right there...

**etc etc wait for quiet, "oh shit he's being serious" then -**

**...And that's why I joined a sugar daddy site.**

**YES.**

"My god, the jokes write themselves! Why did you not tell me about this before?"

"Because I don't...just settle down! Look, I didn't put my real name up there, or my full picture, and if you're going to do what I think you're going to do, you need to do the same thing and be fucking discrete!"

"Oh yeah, totes." Richie put Bill on speaker and opened the app, clicking on the For Daddies link. "Holy shit, this is a fucking gold mine."

"It's not free, by the way. There's a subscription fee to sign up as a, you know, giver."

Richie snickered. "Can't even say it, can you?"

"Shut up."

_"Sugar daddyyyy..."_

Bill gagged. "Good god, that's hideous!"

"You like that Voice? It's a new one. Don't have a name for him yet, I just call him Evil Clown. But whatever, the fee can't be that bad, how much is it to be a daddy?"

"Fifty bucks a month."

"That's it? A bargain."

"Richie..."

"I love you for this, Bill. I take back all the mean things I said about you when we broke up."

"That was in fucking high school! Tell me exactly what you're doing right now, are you signing up? You are, aren't you? Goddamn it, why did I tell you about this..."

"Shush, I gotta think of a username...what did you pick?"

Bill grunted. "It's... I kept it plain! This is for _research_."

"Mmhmm, so you keep saying. So is your username Big Bill? Well Hung William? Hunky Horror Writer?"

"My god. No." Bill sighed. "It's Man Of Letters."

"Fuck, that's boring. Let me pull up your profile...aww, cute picture. You do have a nice smile, Billy Boy. Okay, okay, my turn!"

"Richie, you need to be responsible. You're a public figure, for God's sake..."

"Fucking John Kerry is a public figure, I'm a comedian. Oooh! I thought of the perfect username!"

"Are you sure you..." 

"I just had some artsy pictures taken too, fucking Dave is good for something, oh shit! I have that mug picture too, remember that mug? It's funny! I bought it for myself at that sex store I told you about when I was in Austin? That was the tour with Dave Attell, remember?"

"Richie, slow down..."

"Oooh, and I get to look at profiles of hot young dudes too? YUM."

"Please don't message anybody, okay? Just...look around. Get your material, don't interact."

"Yup, sure thing." Richie giggled and began typing out his profile. "Oh my god, this is...this is second Christmas. I'm gonna get like a half hour's worth of material out of this. Maybe a whole special. "Richie Tozier: Who's Your Sugar Daddy?" Huh, it has potential. Hold on, I gotta write that one down."

"I'm never telling you anything ever again."

* * * *

Richie kept his promise. He looked (and looked, and looked, and damn, some of these guys were fucking sexy as hell), but didn't send any messages. He checked the app when he was bored, occasionally getting a few more ideas for adding on to his sugar daddy joke (honestly, the names themselves could give him a few minutes of material). He wasn't going to send any messages. Definitely not.

It was Friday night, he had an early dinner meeting with Steve at Dan Tana's, and in the meantime, he was bored as shit. He'd already read over a new script that Steve sent last week, and knew by the third page that he was going to turn it down. Steve would sigh at him and bring up Richie writing a script himself again, but Richie just did not have any ideas that he liked enough to become a full-fledged project. They'd go over it at dinner, there'd be some mutual sulking, then everything would be smoothed over by dessert. It was a familiar practice for them. 

Richie glanced at the clock. He had about twenty minutes to kill before he should start getting ready. He opened up Twitter and retweeted the latest plugs by Doug Stanhope and Dan Soder, then replied to Patton's cute gushy post about his family with a serious of heart emojis. Patton responded with a few eggplant emojis and the water gushing one, so Richie _had_ to respond with more eggplants, a few of that peach one that looked like an amazing ass, and the drooling emoji. At that point a fan broke in with "What the FUCK is going on?? Are Richie Tozier and Patton Oswalt gay flirting?!" and holy shit. Hello, new hashtag. 

After he and Patton filled the Twitterverse with floods of random pictures of guys with the hashtag #gayflirting (Patton chose a picture of the guys from C.H.I.P.S., and Richie posted a shot of Sean Connery in that hilarious get up from Zardoz), Richie got bored again and checked his text messages. 

\- **Steve** : Might have something new in the works. Will go over it more at dinner. 

\- **Dave** : It would be beneficial to us both if you let me have access to your Twitter account.

Richie snorted and immediately deleted the message before he could be tempted to reply with something scathing, then moved on to the next text.

\- **Bill** : You've got me thinking about evil clowns. Not sure if I should be pissed or if I should thank you, because I might have a new idea.

Richie grinned and replied to Bill's text that he wanted credit if his idea came to fruition. He closed the app and looked through his email and noticed a new message.

_Hey, Sugar Daddy! Check out these hot new sugar babies on SweetLife!_

_\- WantADaddy267..."Looking for sweet sugar and travel..."_

_\- BaddBoyToy..."I like to get paid to misbehave, are you..."_

_\- GimmeSugar..."Love to go out dancing, drinking, and having a..."_

_\- Longshot..."I'm not writing something stupid, fuck..."_

_\- YrNextBaby..."Looking for a companion..."_

"Longshot?" Richie mumbled, taken aback by the name and his acerbic profile header. It was rare for someone to use their real name on SweetLife, but sugar babies tended to use handles like BottomBaby or Hot4U69. Seeing an X-Men reference was certainly unique. 

Richie clicked on the link, and scrolled down to Longshot's profile. The thumbnail was small, but it was obvious the guy had a nice body. Richie glanced at his profile and grinned as he started reading. 

Name: Longshot  
Stats: 25 / Male / Gay  
_I'm not writing something stupid, fuck you._

Huh. That was different. Cute, though. This guy didn't take shit. He seemed like the kind of guy who screamed at other drivers in traffic, openly rolled his eyes at strangers, and talked a lot in bed. Maybe held a guy's hands down over his head as he rode him, or dug his nails into a guy's shoulders as he got fucked, demanding deeper, harder, faster...

Richie quickly pressed on Longshot's profile picture to get a closer look. 

_Well, hello there._

The guy had chosen a damn good picture. He was sitting on a bed with his legs spread, no shirt, red shorts. The picture was cut off just below the guy's chiseled jaw, which was kind of a tease, but what the picture _did_ show was a tight, athletic body with defined abs. 

And those _shorts_. They were practically obscene, showing off his toned thighs. Richie tried to imagine how they showed off his most likely incredible ass, and nearly started drooling. 

Richie noticed that Longshot had recently posted other pictures and his heart leapt. He quickly pressed on the Photos link and then nearly groaned out loud.

The first picture was of him lying on a bed wearing the red shorts, his knees bent, giving a nice view of his legs. Fuck, those shorts. They rode up high on Longshot's thighs, which were toned and gorgeous and fuck, Richie wanted to nuzzle against them, lick them, slide his dick in between them. 

_Damn, you're hot as hell._

The next picture was of Longshot from behind, with him laying on his side, still wearing the shorts but they were slight tugged down, showing off just a bit of his perfectly toned ass.

"Fuck," Richie mumbled. That ass needed to be worshipped. Preferably by him. Richie would take his time, kissing every inch of it, then slow, gentle bites, licks, spreading those gorgeous cheeks and giving him a deep, sweet kiss, sliding his tongue over his entrance until he was nice and wet, then slipping his tongue inside and _tasting_ him...

Richie adjusted himself and took a deep breath. Okay, yeah, he was definitely interested in this guy.

One little message couldn't hurt, right?

His thumb hovered over _Send Message_ , but he tapped on the Bio link instead. 

About Me

You have got to be fucking kidding me. You are not here because you're interested in me as a person. 

Fine, you really want to know? I grew up in a shitty small town in the Northeast. I have a degree, so do not talk to me like I'm a stupid child. 

I run, I study, I try to live my life. You can ask me anything unless it's moronic bullshit. 

What I'm Looking For

If I can find someone on this ridiculous app who is not a complete imbecile, I might just die of shock.

Richie giggled. Holy fuck, this guy was hot and he was clearly a firecracker. There was no _way_ Longshot wasn't amazing in bed. 

Okay, so one little message couldn't hurt. Even if nothing happened, maybe he could use the experience to help Bill with his story. 

Richie mulled over how to get the guy's attention, knowing he was probably inundated with flattery about his body and sexy attitude. No, Richie had to be original. 

Well, Longshot was obviously an X-Men fan, so why not start there?

\- **Wild &CrazyGuy:** How do I know that you're not part of an elaborate ruse to drag us all to the Mojoverse? 

He hit Send before he could overthink it too much, then set his phone aside and got up to get ready for dinner.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so flattered to see your comments, thank you so much! (Should I reply to them? Is that okay with everybody?)
> 
> Also I should add that I just did a bit of research on taxes and being a sugar baby, so please consult a professional if you're in that position! Stan's the financial expert, not me. XD

"Holy fuck." Stan set his coffee mug down, his hand slightly shaking. "You received one thousand one hundred fifty dollars."

Eddie nodded. "And you got..."

"Eleven hundred even. So all together, we got $2,250."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah, and if you factor in the service fee to transfer, which is 3% for that amount - it's tiered - it comes to $2182.50."

Eddie rubbed his hands together, his foot bouncing like mad on the kitchen tile. He felt like he was full of electricity. "So if we...if we took the money, it would get swallowed up by taxes, right?"

"If it's a gift, it's only taxable to the donor, but that's for anything over $15,000." Stan took another sip of coffee. "But realistically, if we accept this money, we're probably looking at filing a Schedule C on our 1040s."

"So..." Eddie drummed his fingers on the dining room table. "Should we not accept?"

Stan sighed and picked up a strawberry. "I mean..."

"I've looked at the app, and there's no expected, uh, reciprocation for accepting gifts. If we want, we can message them back, and if we add someone to our favorites list, then they can send bigger gifts, and set up weekly payments. If they want. If _we_ want."

"Right, but..."

"And if they're on our favorites list, we could, theoretically, set up meetings. Dates. And there's absolutely no obligation to do anything physical on the dates. The app makes that very clear. Whoever their lawyers are, they're very good."

"Sure. So..."

"So." Eddie placed his hands on the table and leaned forward. "Hear me out..."

"Oh God. Eddie..."

"Would it be so horrible to accept the money? I mean, they're gifts! These guys like us, for some reason. Fifty bucks is absolutely nothing to them, but for us? That's money for groceries. It's gas money. Last night we made enough to cover a month's rent, and we didn't even do anything."

Stan bit into the strawberry, chewing thoughtfully. He swallowed after a moment, then looked directly into Eddie's eyes. "You're saying that you want to pursue this."

Eddie pressed his lips together. "Last night we were out of options. We stumbled onto this, and yeah, it's crazy, but it's...it's something. Maybe it won't pan out, but it couldn't hurt to see where it goes. Right?"

"Fuck." Stan rubbed his face and stared at the ceiling for a few moments. "Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He set his coffee mug down again and pointed at Eddie, his eyes narrowed. "But I'm not going on any fucking dates, ever. And neither are you. There's no way some of these rich fucks aren't psychos."

"Agreed." Eddie's finger hovered over the Transfer Funds button. "Okay. I'm doing it."

"Me too." 

Both phones chimed, and they immediately went to their bank apps to check their new balances. 

"Holy fuck, it worked." Eddie grinned, then stood up. "Hold that thought."

"Where are you going?" Stan called, scrolling through his own phone. 

"I'm putting those shorts back on and I'm going to take a few more pictures. Maybe that'll help get some more gifts."

* * * *

It had only been a week, but the shorts had already become something of a calling card. Eddie took a few more pictures of himself wearing them, and after posting them, his inbox nearly exploded. Some of the messages told him how naughty he was (Eddie would reply with something like "Wow, how fucking original - do not bore me", and he'd usually get gifted $100 for that), and some begging him to let them treat him to lavish presents. He hadn't added anyone to his favorites list yet, but he already had a few regulars who sent steady payments.

Stan was thriving as well, with his own set of admirers lusting after his body and his acerbic wit. One sugar daddy sent him a gift of $150 with a note that said he wanted Stan to treat himself to something as wonderful as he was. Stan replied with an eye rolling emoji and a message of his own: "Is that supposed to impress me, asshole?" The daddy responded by sending an additional $300 and begged Stan to use him like the worthless scum he was. They marveled over it that Friday evening after dinner.

Eddie shook his head as Stan read the message. "He sends you four hundred fifty dollars and calls himself worthless scum?" 

"These guys need therapy." Stan signed out of his bank app and jotted a few things down in his financial tracker. "You know, if we keep this up, we could actually have some spending money really soon. New clothes, new shoes..."

"New bedsheets," Eddie added as he finished cleaning their only large skillet and set it in the drying rack. "The ones we have are ancient." 

"We could actually get ones with a decent thread count. Egyptian cotton. Bamboo, even. And down the line, maybe even get new mattresses."

"We could upgrade our utensils, too. Basically everything." Eddie dried his hands on the kitchen towel with a sigh. "Shit. I still can't believe we get money for...for what, being assholes?"

"Being _hot_ assholes." Stan poked at his phone. "These messages are mind-numbing. How are these guys successful, they can't even...Huh. Some guy just sent me a Shakespeare quote."

Eddie chuckled. "Oh man. Let me guess, Romeo and Juliet? Something from the balcony scene?"

"No, it's from Hamlet. 'The Devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape.'"

"Ooh, he called you the Devil."

"Mmhmm." Stan smiled to himself as Eddie watched him with a raised eyebrow. "It's kind of cute. Like we're in high school and he wants to ask me to prom, or something." 

"Prom?"

"Hush, you know what I mean. Oh! He just sent another message too... it's another quote. Fuck, it's a long one. Not sure where this is from... 'Beauty is a form of Genius--is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation. It is one of the great facts of the world, like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in the dark waters of that silver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has divine right of sovereignty. It makes princes of those who have it.' "

Stan got very quiet and gazed at his phone with a soft smile. Eddie watched his friend with an amused grin. "Holy shit. You're blushing."

Stan's grin disappeared. "I am not! Shut the fuck up!"

"Some guy goes on Sparknotes and copies quotes, and you're ready to spread your legs for him."

"Fuck. You. You know what, he's online now. I'm going to send him a quote of my own. Maybe I'll see if it's just a schtick."

Eddie settled down at the kitchen table, opening his SweetLife app. "What's his username?"

"ManOfLetters."

"Like a mailman?"

"Like a writer, genius."

"I know, I'm just fucking with you." Eddie ignored Stan's raised middle finger and looked over the profile for ManOfLetters. It was fairly discreet too, with a cropped photo showing a charming grin and what looked to be a decent build. Apparently he was looking for a "connection on every level with someone unique". He was 41 and lived in L.A. as well. "Not sure why a guy looking for something meaningful is on a sugar daddy app."

Stan grunted in response. "I'm sending him a quote, let's see what he does."

Eddie tried to hide his grin behind his glass of wine. Stan was smiling to himself, and sitting up straight in his chair. This guy had Stan very interested. "What quote did you send him?"

"I found one from Paradise Lost. 'What is dark within me, illumine.' "

"Mmm, slutty."

"Shut up."

Eddie giggled and checked his own messages. He didn't get any poetry, which was fine with him, but one message stood out.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** How do I know that you're not part of an elaborate ruse to drag us all to the Mojoverse? 

_He gets the X-Men reference._ Eddie tried to ignore the jab of excitement in his stomach and clicked on the guy's username. He was online right now.

"ManOfLetters responded already. He knew it was a Milton quote." Stan ran his tongue over his lower lip. "I'll bet most of these guys don't even know who Milton is...oh shit, he found a literary quote about jackdaws! Listen to this... 'And the priests, with awe, as such freaks they saw, said, “The Devil must be in that little Jackdaw!" Stan snickered. "I'm gonna fuck with him a bit. I'm sending him a message asking if he seriously just referred to me as 'little'."

"Good one." There were only two pictures on Wild&CrazyGuy's profile, and the first one was a picture of him from behind with a lit stage in the background, as if he was waiting in the wings to perform. Maybe he was an actor? 

Stan giggled. "Holy shit, this guy is cute. He's fucking falling all over himself apologizing, swearing that he didn't mean to call me little, it's goddamn hilarious."

"Cool." Wild&CrazyGuy was tall, with dark wavy hair, and broad shoulders. Eddie imagined himself digging his nails into those shoulders, demanding to be fucked harder, the bed slamming against the wall...

Eddie clicked on the next picture and nearly groaned out loud. It was just the guy's hands, holding a mug that said "You Wouldn't Believe How Big It Is". Those hands were huge, with thick, long fingers.

_He's big. He's a big man._

_Fuck._

Eddie began tapping out a reply, deciding to use one of Longshot's famous quotes.

**Longshot:** You just have to be born lucky, I guess. So as far as your username goes, are you more of a Dan Ackroyd fan or a Steve Martin fan?

"Um." Stan got up and cleared his throat. "I'm gonna, uh. Maybe send my guy a picture."

"Cool." Eddie chuckled as Stan hurried to his room and closed the door behind him. He hadn't seen Stan this flustered over someone in...well, ever. 

Eddie's phone chimed and he looked down to see that Wild&CrazyGuy was still online and had responded to Eddie's message.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy shit. You know who Dan Ackroyd is? You know who STEVE MARTIN is?!

Eddie sighed deeply and typed his reply.

**Longshot:** ...Yes. Yes, I know who two comedy legends are. Jesus.

 **Longshot:** Who the fuck doesn't know about Steve Martin? 

**Longshot:** Next you'll be asking if I know who Rodney Dangerfield is. Or Lenny Bruce. 

He didn't have to wait long for a response.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh my god oh my god oh my god

 **Longshot:** ...Are you having a stroke?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I might be! A gorgeous, sexy, did I mention sexy?? SEXY!! guy knows about my heroes?! 

**Longshot:** Heroes? 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay, I have to know...Who's your favorite comedian?

 **Longshot:** Of all time? That's easy. George Carlin, definitely. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** adfjoutesvbbcn

 **Longshot:** ...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sorry, I'm just...Okay okay who are your top 5, no, top 10 comedians working today??

"Huh." It was a good question, and one that definitely had Eddie thinking. He had discovered stand up comedy by accident during an all nighter for an exam, and at three in the morning he decided that he needed a break. Stan was already asleep, so Eddie threw on the TV for some background noise and pulled up a matching game app to pass the time. 

The background noise turned out to be George Carlin's old special, You Are All Diseased. Eddie tuned it out for the most part, but when Carlin told his joke about opening a restaurant to rival TGIFriday's called Holy Shit, It’s Only Wednesday, Eddie actually laughed. He started paying attention then, and from there he became a fan, listening with pleasure to Carlin's rants. Eddie didn't consider himself to be a full-fledged comedy nerd, but by now he had a decent collection of stand up playlists and even a few DVDs. 

Maybe this Wild&CrazyGuy was one of those hardcore comedy nerds. He might be a writer, or an agent. Probably an agent; that would explain the backstage picture. 

Eddie sipped at his wine, mulling over the question, then began typing. 

**Longshot:** Top 10? Let's see...Patton Oswalt. Marc Maron. Bo Burnham. Dave Chappelle. John Mulaney.  
David Cross. Tig Notaro. 

**Longshot:** Um...gonna have to think about the last three. Okay to get back to you on that?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sure! Cool! You've got a great list going there. :D 

_Yup, probably an agent. Shit, maybe I listed one of his clients._ Eddie bit his lower lip and clicked on Wild&CrazyGuy's username to view his profile. Unsurprisingly, it was... different.

Name: Wild&CrazyGuy  
Stats: 40 / Male / Gay  
_It's just a ride..._

About Me

Uhhh I'm gay as fuck and I have money lol

What I'm Looking For

Someone interesting, I guess? Haha I don't know what to write sykktjkgssgb :)

_Huh. That's kind of...cute._

Eddie decided to push his luck and sent another message.

**Longshot:** How many people read your profile headline and think it's a sex thing instead of a Bill Hicks quote?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Gsrjkofss.

 **Longshot:** Do you...do you not know how to type?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sorry, it's just...you're like my dream guy.

And oh, wow. Eddie could _feel_ himself blushing. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** But, uh. To answer your first question, no. Most people think it's a sex thing.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Not that I'm against riding. Or being ridden.

Eddie drew in a sharp breath and set his phone down. Okay, he was being flirted with, which wasn't unreasonable considering the circumstances, but...

_But what?_

Why was he panicking? He found a guy who seemed to actually have a personality, and yeah, the guy was interested in sex. This was a _sugar daddy_ app. And the guy had obviously looked at Eddie's pictures and liked what he saw. That didn't mean that it had to actually go anywhere.

It also meant that maybe Eddie could have a little fun. 

**Longshot:** Same here. But if we're talking about preferences...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** ...?

 **Longshot:** I love riding. I could do it all day. It's my second favorite position.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** ... What's your first favorite?

_Fuck._ Eddie bit his thumb and set his phone down. What the fuck was he doing? This guy was a stranger, and the whole situation was just fucking weird and crazy...

"Eddie!" Stan burst out of his room, and hurried into the kitchen. He'd taken off his shirt and his boxers rested low on his hips as he reached into the cupboard to grab a glass. "I might have fucked up," Stan mumbled as he opened the fridge and pulled out their jug of filtered water.

"Uh." Eddie watched him pour water into the glass and then gulp it down. "What happened? Did your guy say something creepy?"

"No! That's just it. He's sweet, and intelligent, and...I'm telling him a lot, like we're getting really personal already and..." Stan sighed and wiped his mouth. "Shit, I like him. I really like him. How do I like this guy? I don't even know him."

"Yeah." Eddie reached over to his phone and pushed on the power button until the screen went dark. "I get what you mean," he said softly. 

Stan slumped down at the table and ran his hands through his hair. "Maybe it's just...being lonely? Maybe?" He looked at Eddie and winced. "Shit, I didn't mean...I know we're...we were, uh, and now we're friends..."

Eddie exhaled. "Don't make this weird, Stan. We're friends, but, yeah, I know. I know what you mean."

A few moments of silence passed, then Eddie grunted and tapped his fingers on the table. "Look, if this is too much for us, we'll just stop. There's no obligation here. We'll figure something out for money, we always do."

"No, I'm not saying we should _stop_ , I'm just..." Stan huffed out a laugh. "Maybe I'm not used to being, uh, courted?"

Eddie smiled at that. "Yeah, me either."

"Yeah, it's new for us, right? We're thrown off by the messages we usually get, and the whole bizarre experience, but this guy is actually kind of charming. And yeah, it's different." Stan gestured at Eddie. "I mean, you're the most considerate guy I've ever dated."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

Eddie snorted. "Yikes."

They both chuckled at that, and Stan seemed to relax a bit, sipping at his water as he stared into space. Eddie turned his phone screen back on and saw that the SweetLife icon had six unread messages. Then seven. Then eight. "So. I found a guy too. He's also in L.A. Really cute. Kind of a dork."

Stan smiled. "A dork?"

"He's a big comedy fan. I think he's an agent, or something. He's kind of a mess, but it's... endearing?"

"Hmm. Hold that thought." Stan went into his room, then returned wearing a shirt and tapping on his phone. "What's his username?"

"It's, um. Wild&CrazyGuy." 

Stan scoffed as he sat back down. "For fuck's sake. Are you sure he's not actually a teenager?"

"Not with that body." Eddie winced as his unread messages went up to ten. He opened the app and felt his stomach clench at the array of increasingly frantic messages. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Not gonna lie, I'm currently thinking about you on my lap right now

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Those shorts are going to kill me, by the way

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** ;)

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Um...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hey, did I offend you?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Ah, shit.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm so sorry.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm an idiot, in case you couldn't already tell, haha

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck, I'm so sorry

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Please respond please? Pretty please??

He was still online. Eddie typed a reply as fast as he could.

**Longshot:** Sorry my roommate was having a bit of a crisis

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy shit thank god not thank god about your roommate having a crisis thank god for not scaring you away by being an idiot

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Which I am. An idiot. :S

"What the fuck kind of profile is this? Is this guy even literate? Eddie, you're actually talking to this person? Willingly?"

"Shut up."

**Longshot:** I'll be the judge of that.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** :) :) :)

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hey, um. Do you want me to, uh, send you something?

Stan groaned. "Eddie, that mug is fucking stupid. He's bragging about his dick size, like a drunken frat boy. This guy is a goddamn moron. He might even be worse than Matt."

"That's not possible," Eddie muttered, while considering Wild&CrazyGuy's offer. It was strange, really - this man was a self-proclaimed _sugar daddy_ \- but Eddie didn't want to turn their whole thing, whatever it was, into something baseless. Suddenly, he had an idea, and typed out what he thought was a good offer.

**Longshot:** We could exchange pictures. Maybe take suggestions. Requests.

 **Longshot:** But I have some rules.

"How the fuck do you go from dating me to dating Matt, then go to being interested in this guy? I feel like I should be insulted."

Eddie huffed. "Just...go take a picture of your dick for your Oscar Wilde wannabe!"

Stan snorted. "He's already seen plenty of me. And he's gonna have to write some original shit before he gets to see my dick."

"He's seen 'plenty' of you already? Slut." Eddie squeaked and flinched as Stan reached his fingers into his glass and flicked water at him. "Oh god, EW! Stanley, that water was in your _mouth!_ "

"...So?"

"So? You put your _hand_ in your _drink_! You threw mouth germs on me and all over the kitchen table, thank you very much for that! Christ!"

Stan rolled his eyes. "You've literally swallowed my come before, Eddie!"

"What the _fuck_ , Stanley, we haven't done that in _a month_ and those two things aren't related, what in the hell is wrong with your brain?"

Stan's irritated glare would have silenced a lesser man. "Just. Calm. DOWN. Fuck."

"Why are you like this?" Eddie demanded, undeterred. "I need to know. I'm going to call your parents for an explanation." Stan sneered, and Eddie rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the SweetLife app.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh wow. You actually want to see more of me?!

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, sure. :) But is it okay that I don't show my face yet? 

Eddie smiled as he replied.

**Longshot:** Definitely okay. It's one of my rules, actually. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Cool. :)

 **Longshot:** No nudes. No dick pics. Nothing gross. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** ✓✓✓

 **Longshot:** But, for me, I'd like to see more of your hands. And your shoulders. And your back. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, definitely. I can do that. 

**Longshot:** What would you like to see from me?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** omg XD

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I feel like a kid who's been given $100 and brought to a candy store. Go crazy, kid!

 **Longshot:** ...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sorry sorry. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I mean I definitely wouldn't say no to more pictures of you in those shorts

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Wait...are these pictures just for me?

Eddie chewed on his lower lip to keep from grinning.

**Longshot:** Yes.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holybfucjbc 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay. So. I'm sending you three pictures, right? My hands, and my shoulders, and my back. So...do I get 3 pictures too?

 **Longshot:** Yes. That is the idea.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay, cool. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** So...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You mentioned that you like riding, so...can I get a picture of you wearing your shorts and um, leaning over your bed? Like it'd be what I'd see if I was you know. under you.

Stan suddenly got up and grabbed a pen and notepad from the living room, then set it on the table and began writing, checking his phone as he scribbled. 

"Find something?" Eddie asked, trying to keep his voice steady. His body was starting to respond to his guy's requests, and he'd probably have to go into his room soon for some privacy. 

"He's giving me horror book recommendations. I told him I didn't think I've ever read anything that actually scared me and he's kind of taking it as a challenge." Stan smiled to himself, and Eddie took the opportunity to get up, knowing Stan was too distracted to notice Eddie's semi erection. 

"Have fun with that. I'm going to bed." Stan mumbled something in response, and after Eddie put his empty wineglass in the sink, he headed to his room and closed the door before sending a reply. 

**Longshot:** Yeah. I can do that. What else do you want?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy shit. Uh

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** How about one with you on your back, on your bed. Sheets covering you but not all the way

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Like you're reaching down like you're gonna pull the sheets back and let me crawl between your legs and... Yeah.

_Fuck._ Let him. He'd said it would be as if Eddie would 'let' him go between his legs. Like he'd be begging Eddie for it. 

Eddie settled himself on his bed and reached into his boxers to adjust himself.

**Longshot:** I can do that. 

**Longshot:** Tell me what else you want.

He didn't answer right away. That was fine with Eddie; he'd taken to slowly stroking himself as he imagined this man crawling on the bed, desperately pulling the sheets that covered Eddie so he could suck his cock.

_I don't even know what he looks like._

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I want

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I want you on your hands and knees. What I'd see if I came home and you were waiting for me on my bed. Ready for me. Wanting me.

"Fuck." Eddie pushed his boxers down and grabbed himself, gasping at the sensation. He ran his fingers along his hard length, rubbing his thumb in circles on his frenulum. 

It was more than wanting sex, or just having another pair of hands on him. The idea that someone was so eager for Eddie's attention, and seemed to be actually interested in him, was thrilling. Eddie's sexual partners had always enjoyed his body, but he'd never felt revered like this. Like this guy couldn't believe that Eddie actually wanted to see more of him, and that Eddie might even be interested in going further.

Plus, Eddie was desperately needing to get fucked. Normally, if he was this keyed up he'd seduce Stan, and they'd fool around until they got it out of their systems. Stan seemed off-limits now, which was okay, but Eddie had been inundated with messages from men who weren't shy about detailing how they'd like to run their tongues over his body, make him come, and fuck him senseless. Eddie was aching for it, and this man already had plenty of ideas on how to please him. 

_Fuck, I_ do _want you._

Eddie gave himself a slight squeeze and moaned as his cock twitched at the sensation, oozing a few drops of precum down his fist. 

His phone lit up with another message.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Can you do that for me, baby? Can you show me how much you'd want it?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'd make it so good for you. Take my time with you. Tell you how good you feel. Give you every inch of me. 

"Oh, shit." His free hand shaking, Eddie reached for his phone to type a response.

**Longshot:** Yes. I want it.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck. I want to give it to you.

"Oh, fuck." Eddie dropped his phone and stroked himself harder and faster, precum dribbling down Eddie's fingers as he thrust his hips up into his fist. In a daze, he rubbed the tip of his cock, getting his fingers wet and sticky, then reached down to slide his fingers into himself, whining softly at the sensation. His cock jerked as he found his prostate, and he closed his eyes as he imagined getting fucked deep and hard, over and over, so fucking _deep_...

"Fuck!" Eddie hissed as he came, his jaw clenching to keep from crying out. He spilled over his hand and panted, nearly wincing at the intensity of his orgasm.

_Holy shit. Holy shit._

_What the FUCK have I gotten myself into?_


	4. Chapter 4

Life, Richie decided, was getting fucking _good_ lately. 

His dinner with Steve went better than expected - Steve presented an appealing offer for a show that was written with Richie in mind, about a comedian who recently reconnected with childhood friends and inadvertently got stuck in a bizarre nightmare world. It was sort of an X-Files meets Curb Your Enthusiasm hybrid, with lots of dark humor and even opportunities for actual, serious acting. One of the first episodes had the group trapped in a haunted hotel. There were even whisperings of Jack Nicholson coming out of retirement for a small cameo as one of the ghosts, The Caretaker (apparently his kids were huge fans of the executive producer's previous work). It would be shot right there in L.A., so there'd be no need to uproot himself and hunker down somewhere else. 

Not only that, but one of Richie's favorite pet projects was really coming together. It was a special and possible tour showcasing up and coming women comedians, and while Richie knew throwing his name around as an executive producer would open doors, everyone on board didn't argue with his insistence that the emphasis was going to be on the comics themselves, not on him. Steve had a few meetings lined up to get the special going, and both Netflix and HBO were very interested. 

Of course there was also the fact that Richie was out now. It was an incredible experience, and it kept evolving every day. Richie was finally starting to relax outside his comfort zone, which was admittedly small, and it felt fucking good to be himself.

Plus Richie had a hot little number sending him the sexiest fucking pictures he'd ever seen, and these pictures were just for _him_. This Longshot guy was not only the hottest motherfucker on the planet, but he was also a bonafide comedy fan. In the last couple of days, Richie had asked Longshot to send him his favorite comedy clips. Every time he got a link, Richie's heart would race, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'd see a clip of one of his own bits. Maybe then he could suggest meeting up, like after a show or even some place traditional, like a coffeeshop or a bookstore or something quaint and cute like that. 

Longshot hadn't sent Richie one of his own clips yet, but he sent classic bits by the greats with the cutest little notes. He'd make a comment about how goddamn quick Rodney Dangerfield was, and how Joan Rivers was an absolute fucking badass. Richie would reply with clips of his friends, thrilling with every response Longshot sent. He felt it would be crass to send one of his own videos, hoping that Longshot would bring him up first, and then, well, maybe things would progress from there. 

Then, of course, there were the pictures. 

Fuck, that first picture... Longshot had placed the camera on his bed, giving Richie a good look at that tight body from below, just like if he was straddling him. Richie had already been worked up from sending him a few racy messages, and a few minutes later Longshot sent the picture and _holy fuck._ It only took a few strokes, and Richie came so hard that he was completely useless for a few minutes afterward, staring blissfully at the ceiling with a dazed grin.

Fair was fair, so after he cleaned himself up, Richie looked up the images he'd saved from his Google search for hand modeling for ideas. Apparently there was a lot of upkeep for this kind of thing, so maybe he should look into getting a manicure if Longshot wanted more pictures? Or did he prefer Richie's hands as they were, bitten nails and slight calluses from writing and occasionally playing guitar? Fuck. He had no idea what Longshot was looking for, but Richie came up with a picture that he thought (hoped) Longshot would like. 

Richie sent the picture and then headed to the Laugh Factory, managing to slip backstage without getting spotted. A couple of days after he'd come out, Richie had spent the evening with friends, one of them being Luke Harris, a young guy who was very quickly making a name for himself in the business. Luke was a sweet guy with a great delivery method, and he'd asked Richie for permission to tell a joke about their night on the town. Richie immediately agreed, overjoyed at the idea of being a part of someone's act, and tonight Luke was going to debut his joke. Richie wouldn't miss it for the world. 

Luke's set was great, with new material about his girlfriend's obsession with post it notes and his recurring nightmare of a swarm of Furbys beating the shit out of him. Luke took a sip of water after nailing the punchline ("So maybe I'm not cut out to be a Furry, which sucks, because I had Valentine's Day all planned out, dammit! But that's why you keep your receipts, you hang onto those motherfuckers, man") and glanced into the wings. Richie grinned, tempted to wave but didn't want to throw him off, but Luke spotted him and gave him a wink before starting in on his closer.

"Anyway. Life is weird. You gotta hang on to the good stuff, you know? Gotta hold on to what's good. The news is crazy, people are shitty and proud of it, but there's good shit out there. Like...love. I love my girlfriend. She's amazing. I love my job. I love my friends. And I want to be part of the solution, you know? I want to be a good guy. I try to be open minded, and broaden my horizons, because life is hard as hell. So, you work on bettering yourself, you put yourself in other people's shoes. You want to be open and accepting of what life presents to you. 

"I tell myself this often, especially these days, and I tell myself that I owe it to myself to be as open minded to new experiences as possible. I tell myself it will make me a better person, and it's because I tell myself this shit that I recently found myself in New York, at 1:00 am, at a gay strip club with Richie Tozier."

The audience's reaction was glorious. Richie's heart leapt at the collective groans and gasps at the mention of his name, and a few people even started applauding. Luke took another sip of water as the light applause died down, and smirked to himself.

"Yeah. Yeah. It was...an event. I don't even remember how we ended up there, but we go to this gay strip club, it's called The Tight Spot...I know, I know, I ignored the foreshadowing. Richie's like "They'd better sell t-shirts, I'm gonna get a t-shirt!"... he's just so excited. We go inside, and I'm already a little buzzed because we've been drinking already. We sit down on a couch and they take our drink order, and I'm just sitting there like, "Whatever, it's a club, there are drinks, it's cool." We start talking, me and Richie, our drinks come pretty quickly, we toast to him coming out, and everything's cool. Then Richie gets up to head to the bathroom, and I post a picture of my drink to Instagram like a good little consumer. 

"Richie comes back and he's got this big ol' smile on his face, and the evil bastard tells me that he ordered us a couple of lap dances. Two for one special, he tells me! He's all BOGO in this bitch! And I'm not gay, but I don't want to be rude, so I say "Fuck it, when in Rome!" and here come two guys in a haze of Axe Body spray and glitter. 

"Richie's guy is a collection of abs, just like a stack of them, an ab tower, and my guy is covered in tattoos. Now, tattoos are cool as hell, I've got some, but he gets closer and I see that a majority of them are, I shit you not, Bible verse references. We're talkin' Romans 15:13, Deuteronomy 31:6 on this motherfucker! Now, I'm not a religious man, but I am just flabbergasted at the fact that I'm about to get grinded on by a guy who has Proverbs carved into his glistening pecs. 

"It's just surreal! And I turn to Richie, like "You seein' this, man?" but apparently when you're gay and single, and you're getting grinded on by some young stud with abs for days, you're not gonna pay attention to _this_ ," and Luke gestured to himself, and even though Luke's a decent looking guy, his fashion sense is about as refined as Richie's, so the joke landed well. 

Luke gave a playful shrug and continued. "My guy introduces himself as Dominik with a K, because that's important, gotta know how it's spelled otherwise how am I gonna properly write out the Christmas cards we'll clearly be exchanging for the rest of our lives?

"Richie's totally into his guy, who seems into him too, the guy's name is Sebastian or Obsession or something, whatever. Something with hella syllables! Richie's getting like the full contact lap dance, with the wax and polish and undercarriage dusting, and they're whispering to each other, like gay secrets or recipes or something, I don't know! I'm not familiar with the gay nomenclature! They seem happy with the entire experience, yay for them. 

"So, Dominik's dancing, it's weird but I've got some whiskey in me, and we start talking about movies, so it's not totally bizarre. Like yes, I have a strange man rubbing his taint on my knees, but he knows who Robert Downey Jr. is, so it's a win, right? Right. 

"We start talking about remakes, and then Dominik with a K drops the following gem: "I don't know, man, I just think the remake of Point Break was way better than the original!" and any trace of alcohol that was in my veins just fucking evaporates. "What the fuck did you just say?" I ask him, like he's my husband and he just called my by his ex-wife's name. "What...what in the _fuck_ did you just say to me?"

Richie snickered, then felt his phone buzz with a notification, then another, then another. He'd turned off his notifications for every app, except for one. 

_Damn. Hold on, Longshot, just give me a little more time, baby..._

"So then we start arguing, because he's wrong, and it's important for me that he knows this. It goes on for, I don't know, minutes, hours, weeks? At one point he says "Oh! Oh! I guess you think The Wicker Man remake was bad too!" and at this point I'm shouting at him, "Motherfucker, were you sent here to upset me?!" 

"Then I look around and Richie is gone. Just gone. And I say, "Did that fucker leave me here? Did he fuck off with Venetian or Archimedes or whatever the fuck his name was?" and Dominik with a K says "Oh, I think they went into the champagne room. There's more than one room if you want to keep this going", and he smiles at me! And I'm just like...my friend just blew me off to get blown off and you think I want to keep yelling at you about Keanu Reeve's IMDB page in another location, fucking NO, Dominik with a K, you are an asshole!" 

Richie thanked whatever god was in charge of stand up comedy - Dionysus? Thalia? Gelos? - that Luke's joke was indeed funny and therefore distracting from the memory of that night. The truth was that Sebastian had given him an inspired handjob, moaning about how big and thick Richie was and could he please suck his cock, please? Richie was too drunk and horny to refuse, but was also worked up as hell and came about three seconds after Sebastian had licked a line up his shaft. It was embarrassing and sad, and even though Sebastian was a pro and got them both cleaned up, Richie had felt pathetic as fuck when he walked out of the room.

"I sit there after Dominik with a K wanders off - yes, I tipped him! I'm not an animal, jeez! Anyway, I'm sitting there not sure what to do next, and fucking Richie emerges, looking disheveled and kind of embarrassed. He sees me, and comes over, all hunched over, kinda sad, and says "Fuck, I'm sorry, man, I shouldn't have left like that..."

The audience cooed in sympathy.

"Yeah, 'aww'. I tell him, dude, it's cool, let's just get out of here. And he's a sweet guy, Richie, so he asks me if I want to go to a straight strip club, and all I can think is, with my luck I'd get a hot chick spend her evening trying to convince me that Ben Affleck was a better Batman than Michael Keaton, and just the thought of that has me in tatters, so I scream "NO! I might not be a member of the Academy but I know my shit, Richie!"

"Everybody in the club jumps and stares at me, and Richie's eyes go all wide, and I look at him and say, very calmly, "If I hear any more bad movie takes tonight, I will not be held accountable for my actions." Because that'll hold up in court, right? 'Your honor, my client had just heard someone say that Matthew Broderick was the best part of entire Godzilla franchise, I submit that all charges be dropped immediately! Murder, schmurder!'

"Richie has no fucking idea what I'm blathering about, but I can tell he feels bad, so I'm like, "Buddy, it's cool, just...just don't mention Nicholas Cage to me for a while, okay? I just...I can't take it."

"He's like "Ooookkaaaayyy?" and says that he wants to make it up to me, so I'm thinking, well, it's what, two a.m.?  
...I'm thinking flapjacks. So Richie took me to Denny's, bought me a grand slam, and that, my fellow Americans, is what true friendship is."

Luke grinned as the audience whooped and broke into applause. Richie joined in, beaming like a proud papa.

* * * *

"Thanks for coming tonight, man." Luke patted Richie on the shoulder as they headed outside. Luke had that combination of being keyed up and exhausted from performing, and kept fidgeting with his shirt hem as he checked his phone.

"Wouldn't miss it. You did a great fucking set, my guy. Fucking killed them dead."

Luke flashed him a boyish grin. "I owe you for that story. That bit's going to be my new closer for a while."

"Maybe you should sent a card to Dominik, you owe him too."

"I'm sending him a fucking gift basket, are you kidding?" 

Richie laughed and gently elbowed him. "How's Denise?"

Luke's face lit up, and something tugged inside Richie's chest, a quiet longing that he wasn't willing to fully face at that moment. "Oh man. She's great. Her site's really taking off, and she's working on another cookbook. She's got me eating fucking seaweed chips, it's insane."

"Seaweed? Christ."

"She's a fucking genius. Plus she started painting, and she's talking about making candles, getting into photography... I'm in love with a goddamn Renaissance woman."

"You bought the ring yet?"

"Yup. I'm gonna do it soon, I'm getting antsy. I was going to use a drone and fly the ring box at her when we're watching TV, but I think she'd just grab a pillow and swing at it."

Richie chuckled. "Make her breakfast in bed, put the ring on a waffle or something."

"I would, but I'm literally banned from our kitchen after the peanut butter incident."

"Ohhh, that sounds kinky as shit."

"It's not, I just wanted to warm up some peanut butter because I stuck it in the fridge by accident, and I didn't realize there was still some foil on the top, so the microwave looked like a goddamn science experiment for five seconds. No, I think I'm gonna build a fort in the living room, with pillows, sheets, and Christmas lights, and when we get all curled up in there, I'll ask her."

"That's cute as hell." Richie grinned and clapped Luke on the back. "I'm happy for you, man."

"Thanks, Richie." Luke glanced at him. "How about you, you seeing anyone?"

Richie ran his thumb over his phone in his pocket. He'd sent Longshot a quick message after Luke got off stage - **_Sorry I couldn't reply sooner, I'm just wrapping up a work thing, baby, you gonna be up later?_** \- and was trying not to get too anxious waiting for a reply. "Oh, nothing official."

* * * *

Longshot's reply came later, after Richie was laying in bed watching Slap Shot for the millionth time (the day he didn't crack up at the "I'm listening to the fucking song!" line was the day he was officially dead). Richie was about to tell Twitter of how he'd dressed up as a Hanson brother for Halloween more than a few times when SweetLife notified him that he had a new message.

Richie opened the app, his pulse picking up when he reread Longshot's most recent messages:

**Longshot:** Fuck. Your hands are gorgeous. I can't stop thinking about them.

**Longshot:** Hope your work thing went well. Late night meeting?

**Longshot:** I should have another picture ready for you later, by the way.

And indeed, there was a new picture, one of Richie's requests. Longshot was sprawled out on his bed, his legs spread, with the sheets just barely covering his lap. His hands tugged at the sheets, ready to reveal himself and _fuck_ , this was the hottest man on the planet. 

Richie's mouth actually watered and he typed out a response, wanting to catch Longshot while he was still online. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh my fucking GOD you are fucking sexy. If you were here right now I'd make you feel so good. 

**Longshot:** Yeah?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah

**Longshot:** I want to feel those hands on me.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Where, baby? Tell me.

**Longshot:** Everywhere

"Goddamn." Richie's cock started filling out, nudging against his boxers as he imagined running his hands over that tight fucking body. God, if only he could get a lap dance from _this_ guy...

And oh fuck, that idea had him groaning and reaching into his boxers to stroke himself. With his free hand, he sent Longshot a message, his hips arching up into his other fist in a slow, lazy rhythm.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You know, you never answered a question I asked you a while ago.

**Longshot:** What question?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You mentioned that riding is your second favorite position, so what's your first favorite?

**Longshot:** That's right, I never told you.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Mmm. Bad boy.

**Longshot:** On the contrary. I am very, very good.

_Fuck._

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'll be the judge of that. Now be a good boy and tell me what your favorite position is.

**Longshot:** No. Not tonight. I want another picture first.

Richie grunted and rolled over onto his side, shoving his hips forward so he could thrust into his fist. He narrowed his eyes at the message, his pulse quickening at the thought of Longshot under him, whimpering at the feel of Richie fucking him hard and deep.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You keep this up and I'm going to have to punish you

**Longshot:** I dare you to try. 

"Holy fucking _shit_..."

Richie glanced at his phone and frowned when he saw a new text.

\- **Bill** : I might have done something really stupid.

"Shit." Richie sat up and called him immediately, his arousal quickly dissolving. "Hey, Big Bill, you okay? What's wrong, what happened?"

Bill grunted. "I'm fine, I'm just... I'm an idiot, Richie. I ignored my own advice."

"Uh...you mixed wine and liquor?"

"No, I sent someone a message on SweetLife."

Richie whooped and bounced a bit on his bed as Bill sighed. "You dog! Fuck, you scared me, I thought you did something bad! Okay, I have to know, how many dick pics have you two exchanged? Also have you bought him a car yet? Or did he buy a car with your dick money?"

"I didn't...dick money? No! We've been talking, I haven't sent him any money, or told him anything incriminating."

"So what's the problem? Truth be told, I've been doing the same thing."

Bill went completely silent for approximately four seconds. "... You've been _what_?"

"Yeah, I..." Richie froze as a horrible thought emerged. "Wait. Wait. His username isn't Longshot, is it?"

"Longshot? No, it's Jackdaw."

Relief tinged with guilt flooded Richie's senses, making him almost dizzy. Of course it wasn't Longshot, he wouldn't do that, he wasn't the kind of guy who strung guys along like that...

_And how do you know this, exactly? He's not your boyfriend, stupid. He's probably getting actual money from someone else right now. Just because he's exchanging pictures with you doesn't mean anything._

_No. This feels different._ He's _different._

"Rich?"

"Sorry, sorry. So, you've been talking to this guy, and what's wrong with that exactly?"

Bill got quiet for a bit. "I don't even know his real name."

"So ask him."

"Yeah? You know your guy's real name yet?"

Richie winced. "Uhh..."

"That's what I thought."

"Hey, fuck you! I don't want to scare him off, I really like this guy!"

"Well I really like my guy too, asshole!" Bill shouted.

"Fine!"

"Fucking fine!"

Richie huffed, then shook his head. "Why the fuck are we yelling at each other?"

"I don't know!" 

"Well...oh shit! Hold that thought, I'm talking to my guy now." Richie pulled up the SweetLife app and sent a quick message to Longshot.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sorry, beautiful, my friend is needing my expertise.

**Longshot:** Want me to let you go?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** No, unless you need to go?

**Longshot:** No need. I can stay up as long as I need to. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'll bet ;) Just give me a few minutes, babe, then you'll have my full attention. ;)

"Richie? Rich...Fuck, did you leave the fucking room, asshole?"

"Sorry!" Richie inadvertently pressed the FaceTime button while trying to bring the phone call back up and got an eyeful of Bill Denbrough's famous scowl. "Hi Bill!"

Bill rolled his eyes. "Hi. Okay, so what do we do, Richie? About all this, I mean."

"Um..."

"I mean, Jackdaw is in L.A. so I guess I _could_ ask him to dinner."

"Oh shit, your guy's in L.A. too?"

"...Maybe take him to Beauty & Essex, or Chateau Marmont..."

"Daaaamn, Big Bill pulling out the big guns, getting all fancy!"

Bill smirked. "If you saw this man's body, you'd want to show him off too."

"No way he's hotter than my guy."

"But I haven't even told him who I am yet," Bill sighed, ignoring Richie's retort. "And he doesn't want me to send him money. I don't want to bore him, but I don't want to scare him away, either."

"Yeah." Richie looked down at the mattress, tracing an invisible pattern with his finger. "Yeah, I get it."

"It's crazy. I want to spoil him, but not...not like in a fucked up, power imbalance way. Does that make sense?"

Richie grinned at him. "Send him a singing telegram. Have the guy dress up as a banana. It's a metaphor for a dick, so it's poetic!"

"You are the most...wait. Holy shit. Holy shit, that's brilliant."

"Um... Bill, I don't know your guy, but maybe sending a singing banana won't have the effect you want..."

"No, dumbass, I could send him something! A meaningful gift that will make him think of me. He mentioned that he's starting to get into reading horror...I'll get a couple of autographed books together and throw some of mine in there, see what he says. And oh shit, I could get him binoculars!"

"Oooh, kinky."

Bill waved his hand impatiently. "He's a birdwatcher, you pervert. Fuck, this could work."

"Hmm." Richie glanced at his phone, then grinned. "I think you're right."

"Okay, I've gotta go, I have to get this shit together and make some calls."

"Cool, later." Richie giggled to himself and sent Longshot a quick message. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hey baby, I'm back. ;) 

**Longshot:** I have another name, by the way. For the favorite comics working today question. 

**Longshot:** Jerrod Carmichael. I saw his special on Netflix, and it was amazing. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Awesome!!! A good pick. 

**Longshot:** Still gotta think about the other two. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Can't wait. :)

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hey, potentially weird question...would you mind if I sent you some stuff? Like in the mail? Is that okay?

Richie bit at his thumb as he stared at his phone, waiting what seemed like forever for a response. 

Ten seconds. Twenty. Thirty.

_Oh fuck, I fucked up, I fucked this all up..._

**Longshot:** Hold on, I'll ask my roommate...

**Longshot:** He doesn't care. We live in an apartment building, with a separate mail room, so, to quote him, it would take a lot of effort for you to hunt us down.

**Longshot:** But don't fucking do that. 

**Longshot:** Wait...what are you going to send?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Nothing bad, baby. Just some fun stuff. ;) No, um, toys or anything.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** ...Unless..?

**Longshot:** NO.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** lol okay

**Longshot:** I'll send you my address. 

**Longshot:** But you have to promise to behave yourself.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** LOLOLOL

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Just you wait, beautiful. Just you wait.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings for this chapter:
> 
> \+ Guys being sleazy online to Eddie  
> \+ Aforementioned sleazy guys describing sex acts involving food in text messages  
> \+ Descriptions of past physical altercations  
> \+ Mentions of someone using racial and homophobic slurs (the actual words are not said/typed)
> 
> Please let me know if more warnings are needed!

**ZaddyStud831:** Hey sexy.

 **ZaddyStud831:** Hey

 **ZaddyStud831:** Hey

 **ZaddyStud831:** Hey

 **Longshot:** What.

 **ZaddyStud831:** I've got property in Seychelles

 **Longshot:** Congratulations.

 **ZaddyStud831:** I want to take you there ... I'd treat you like a prince.

 **Longshot:** Not interested.

 **ZaddyStud831:** I'm in NY but I can fly to L.A.

 **Longshot:** Good for you

 **ZaddyStud831:** Can I be your slave, pretty baby?

 **Longshot:** No

 **ZaddyStud831:** I guarantee I have more money than anyone else on here

 **Longshot:** I do not care. Stop bothering me.

 **ZaddyStud831:** I'll pay you $250 if you send me those shorts, unwashed.

 **Longshot:** What the FUCK

 **ZaddyStud831:** $500

 **Longshot:** DUDE. Fuck off.

 **ZaddyStud831:** $1000 if you cum on them first

 **Longshot:** I'M BLOCKING YOU ASSHOLE

....

**MrRight358:** How much to get a picture of you touching yourself?

 **MrRight358:** Or a video

 **MrRight358:** A video with audio. 

**Longshot:** Fuck off

 **MrRight358:** I have a big cock

 **Longshot:** Doubtful.

 **MrRight358:** I want you to choke on it 

**Longshot:** I want you to choke on your own stupidity.

 **MrRight358:** I'm pulling those shorts down to take a look at that ass

 **Longshot:** I'm poking you in the eye with a sharp stick.

 **Longshot:** Also I'm blocking you. Fucking creep.

....

**SeanCurtis1972:** Hello beautiful

 **Longshot:** I am not in the fucking mood.

\-- SeanCurtis1972 sent you $150! Click here to accept!

 **SeanCurtis1972:** There's more where that came from, sexy.

 **Longshot:** Thanks for the $150. Go away now.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** Where are you?

 **Longshot:** Earth.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** Where in L.A.?

 **Longshot:** No.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** C'mon, sexy, I want to take you out. 

**Longshot:** No.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** I can get us a room at the Beverly Wilshire.

 **Longshot:** No.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** You've got a great fucking body.

\-- SeanCurtis1972 sent you $250! Click here to accept!

 **Longshot:** You're weird.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** What?

 **Longshot:** I insult you, reject you, and you give me more money. That's weird.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** That's no way to talk to your Daddy. 

**Longshot:** You're not my fucking Daddy.

 **SeanCurtis1972:** I could be, gorgeous...

\-- SeanCurtis1972 sent you $500! Click here to accept!

 **Longshot:** What the fuck, dude??

 **SeanCurtis1972:** Let me take you out, I can get us any table anywhere, anytime. I'm a big deal in this town. I run L.A., baby.

 **Longshot:** Fucking read the room. 

**Longshot:** Stop talking to me, you're weird. 

**SeanCurtis1972:** You want more money, baby?

 **Longshot:** I want you to fuck off, dickwad!

 **SeanCurtis1972:** How much to get my face in between those thighs of yours?

 **Longshot:** Holy fucking shit BLOCKED

....

**KingKeith:** Sexy baby

 **Longshot:** Just. No.

 **KingKeith:** Do you like Cheerios?

 **Longshot:** What??

 **KingKeith:** I want to take you out on my balcony and lick your balls in broad daylight while you eat a bowl of Cheerios 

**Longshot:** WHAT IN THE FUCKING...BLOCKED

....

**CowboyStudd:** You have really nice pictures, although I'm sure you hear that a lot. Would it be all right if I send you something?

 **Longshot:** Sure.

\-- CowboyStudd sent you $100! Click here to accept!

 **Longshot:** Thanks.

 **CowboyStudd:** Can I get a picture of your face?

 **Longshot:** No.

 **CowboyStudd:** Darn. Oh well. Can't blame a guy for trying!

 **Longshot:** I guess.

 **CowboyStudd:** You okay?

 **Longshot:** Yeah, sorry. Lots of creeps on here. 

**Longshot:** Thanks for the $100.

 **CowboyStudd:** Get yourself something nice, or do something fun. Lots to do in L.A., I'm sure. I'm a Texas man myself. Ever been to Texas?

 **Longshot:** No. 

**CowboyStudd:** Well, if you're ever around these parts, let me know. I'll buy you a beer, if that's okay. 

**CowboyStudd:** Hey, can I ask you something?

 **Longshot:** I guess.

 **CowboyStudd:** Well, I have to say, even though I don't actually know what you look like, you're obviously a good looking guy, and you clearly have your pick of men. What are you looking for?

 **CowboyStudd:** If I may be so bold. 

**CowboyStudd:** Are you still there?

 **Longshot:** Yeah, sorry.

 **Longshot:** I'm thinking about it.

 **Longshot:** I'm not sure how to answer that question right now, sorry.

 **CowboyStudd:** No need to apologize, I didn't mean to throw you a curve ball. 

**CowboyStudd:** What do you do for fun? Besides running of course.

 **Longshot:** The usual, I guess. Watch comedy shows, movies. Cooking. 

**CowboyStudd:** Sounds good. I run a lot of businesses, so I don't have much free time, but I like those things too. Although I'm not too familiar with comedy these days. As for movies, you can't beat a good Clint Eastwood classic.

 **Longshot:** The last movie I saw in the theater was The Invisible Man.

 **CowboyStudd:** Oh heck, I can't stomach the scary stuff. :)

 **Longshot:** I liked it. 

**CowboyStudd:** You like line dancing?

 **Longshot:** Um, no. But in all fairness I've never done it. Also I'm not really a country music fan.

 **CowboyStudd:** Well, I don't dance as much as when I was a younger man, but if I hear Boot Scootin' Boogie, I just gotta cut a rug! 

**CowboyStudd:** Let me know if you're ever in the Dallas area, I'll show you how to line dance. Maybe we can grab a beer or something like that. 

**Longshot:** I don't really travel a lot. But thanks.

 **CowboyStudd:** Maybe after we do some dancing and have a beer, you can make me a nice Alabama cheese platter.

 **Longshot:** ...You want me to make you food?

 **CowboyStudd:** Oh no, not an actual cheese platter.

 **Longshot:** Is it a drink? What the hell kind of a drink is called that?? 

**Longshot:** All I can picture is a glass of bourbon with crushed Cheetos on the rim of the glass. Gross.

 **CowboyStudd:** Oh no handsome, it ain't no drink. 

**CowboyStudd:** It's when a handsome young fellow like yourself lets a lucky man like me spread those buttcheeks of yours, get some spray cheese in there and I'd eat it out of you.

 **Longshot:** JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK 

**Longshot:** BLOCKED BLOCKED BLOCKED BLOCKED

....

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hey, baby. :) Sorry for not being very active today, my day's been full of meetings. How are you?

 **Longshot:** Oh thank FUCKING GOD it's you 

**Longshot:** I saw the message notification and almost didn't open the app but it's you thank fucking God

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** ???

 **Longshot:** Sorry 

**Longshot:** I have been getting the most horrible fucking messages on this fucking app.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Should I let you go?

 **Longshot:** No

 **Longshot:** Please stay.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm here, baby. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Are you at home?

 **Longshot:** Yeah, I'm in bed, listening to music. Glass of wine next to me. Trying to fucking calm down.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Good. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Can I tell you what I'd do if I was there right now? It's not sexual, but I won't tell you if you don't want to hear it right now, it's okay. 

**Longshot:** No, I want you to tell me. Please.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** If I was there I'd put my arms around you. Have you lay your head on my chest. Stroke your hair. 

**Longshot:** I'd like that. I'd really like that right now. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Pull the sheets up around you, baby. Rest your head on a pillow. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm right here. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You okay?

 **Longshot:** I am now, yeah. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Good. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I've got my arms wrapped around a pillow. :) I'm laying in bed too. It's been a long day. 

**Longshot:** Yeah, it has. 

**Longshot:** I had a half day at work, but I still had to deal with idiots.

 **Longshot:** I was going to clean the apartment once I got home but I figure I'll do that this weekend since I don't have any plans. 

**Longshot:** Which I know is boring but whatever. 

**Longshot:** Sorry I'm in a horrible fucking mood from dealing with fucking weirdos on SweetLife. 

**Longshot:** My roommate is working late so I'm alone for a while. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Nah, not alone, I'm there with you, baby. :)

 **Longshot:** :)

 **Longshot:** I'm glad. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** And you are definitely NOT boring by the way

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Wait, no one threatened you, did they????

 **Longshot:** No, just jerks being gross and weird.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** What are their usernames?

 **Longshot:** I blocked them all already and deleted the messages. 

**Longshot:** Took some of their money, though.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Good boy.

 **Longshot:** I'm going to use the money they gave me to do something cool. Not sure what it will be yet. But I'm calling it a fuck you fund.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** LOL nice.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hey, promise me something?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** If you remember any of their usernames or if something like this happens again, let me know & I'll take care of it

 **Longshot:** ...If you fucking tell me that you're in the fucking mafia I'm going to scream

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** LMAO aykkddjhdrg lololol MAFIAAAA omg no wtf XD

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** LOL no, I'm not a mafia don or whatever. I'd just tell them to stay away from you

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I guess if you can block them that's not necessary. But still. 

**Longshot:** That's sweet. 

**Longshot:** :)

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** No one makes my baby upset and gets away with it. Not if I have anything to say about it. 

**Longshot:** Yeah? 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I know you're a grown man and can take care of yourself, but the idea of something making you feel bad is just...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Like if we were out in public and some creep was bothering you, I'd definitely do something about it.

 **Longshot:** Oh yeah?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah. Definitely.

 **Longshot:** So, if we were at a bar, or something, and some guy was refusing to leave me alone...what would you do?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck. Fuck, that would piss me off. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I don't lose my cool very often but... fuck, it'd be like Chicago all over again.

 **Longshot:** Chicago?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah. Years ago, my friend Bill and I were there visiting an old friend, Mike. We were all out having a drink and some drunk asshole bumped into Mike and called him a racial slur. I shoved the guy outside and fucking beat the hell out of him.

 **Longshot:** Holy shit. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sorry, that's...that's not okay. I'm not a violent guy, I swear it. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck. Fuck. I probably made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry, this is ... fuck fuck fuck

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** should I go

 **Longshot:** No no stay

 **Longshot:** It's okay, I'd do the same thing. I fucking hate racist assholes. 

**Longshot:** So...what happened?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Nothing, really. He didn't press charges. The bar owner said that the guy was known for having a history of assault charges himself, no surprise there. The asshole ended up just running off with his shithead friends. I didn't have to deal with any legal entanglements.

 **Longshot:** That's good. So he ran away after you kicked his ass?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Well, his friends dragged him away. Carried him away, really. 

**Longshot:** Oh. Wow

 **Longshot:** I meant...what did you do? When you beat him up, I mean.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Well, um. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Have you ever seen The Godfather? 

**Longshot:** Years ago, yeah.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Remember that scene when Sonny beat up his piece of shit brother-in-law? It was a lot like that. 

**Longshot:** Okay hold on a sec I'm gonna look it up on YouTube don't go anywhere

 **Longshot:** ...Whoa.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah. I mean, I didn't bite his fingers or throw his own shoe at him, but I kicked his ass all over the street. 

**Longshot:** So, you dragged him outside...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah. I grabbed him by his fucking shirt and dragged him to the street. Fucker tried to punch me but I threw him against the building and he practically bounced off of it. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** He was kind of dazed but referred to Mike as the slur word again and I punched him right in the fucking face. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** He tried to swing at me but missed, so I punched him in the stomach and he fell to his knees...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** At this point there was a small crowd forming and my friends were shouting at me but I was so fucking pissed

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** He tried to swing at my legs but I stepped back. Then he said me and my friends looked like a bunch of ...he used the f gay slur word

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** So while he was trying to stand up I punched him in the face again

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** He started staggering down the street yelling a whole series of slurs and shit, but he could barely stand and ended up falling on his ass. I was following him and kicking at him while he started trying to crawl away

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** The guy's friends tried to run at me but my friends tackled them. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I kicked him a few more times and then Bill and Mike were shouting at me to stop, so I grabbed the guy by his hair and leaned in and told him to get his ugly fucking racist homophobic ass out of my sight.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** And I stepped back and his friends ran forward and dragged him away.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Bill and Mike pulled me into a cab, and that's it I guess. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** They still tease me about it, sometimes.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I kept asking Mike if he was okay and he would just look at me and say "Are YOU okay? Your hand must be killing you, man" and holy shit after the adrenaline died down, yes it hurt like hell. But Mike insisted he was fine. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** He was worried about me and Bill too. Bill's bisexual and I'm gay, so...we've been called stuff before but...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I don't know, I guess it's a cliche, but hearing some asshole say that shit about people I love and care about made me snap, I guess. 

**Longshot:** Holy shit.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah.

 **Longshot:** Wow. 

**Longshot:** I've been in fights before, but nothing like that

 **Longshot:** Mostly junior high shit, you know. Getting shoved against the lockers, assholes trying to trip me when I walked past them.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, ugh. Been there. Fun times.

 **Longshot:** I didn't start fighting back until high school. I was eating lunch and minding my own business when the school bully threw a sloppy joe sandwich right into my face and I lost it.

 **Longshot:** I grabbed my food tray and started snacking him with it, screaming that I was going to fucking kill him. Everybody freaked out because I was not known for that sort of thing.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** NICE. How old were you?

 **Longshot:** Fourteen. I got detention, and I was grounded for months. But everybody left me alone after that. 

**Longshot:** The last fight I was in was about two or three years ago, maybe? It was outside the gym, of all places. 

**Longshot:** I was leaving with my roommate, we were dating at the time. Some dickhead was throwing his soda away and missed, so it hit me instead. 

**Longshot:** The asshole didn't even apologize, he just started laughing. So I took off my hoodie, which was soaked, and handed it to my roommate and walked up to the guy and asked him what was so fucking funny.

 **Longshot:** His eyes got all wide and he started apologizing but I shoved him and kept asking him what was so fucking funny 

**Longshot:** He started yelling that I should stop acting like a little bitch and I punched him, then Stan grabbed me and we left. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yikes

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Remind me to never throw food or drinks on you lol

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** So, um...Stan is your roommate?

 **Longshot:** Shit.

 **Longshot:** Um, yeah. 

**Longshot:** I guess it's okay that you know that, I mean you have my address.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, I got the tracking number, your stuff should arrive tomorrow. :D

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** But, um. You used to date your roommate?

 **Longshot:** Years ago, yes, when we were in college. It was never serious. We were friends first, then after we hooked up a few times we started actually dating for a few months. But then decided to just be friends. 

**Longshot:** That's not a problem for you, is it?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Not at all! :)

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Just making sure I'm not, you know. Being inappropriate, I guess? I don't know. LOL I'll shut up.

 **Longshot:** No, it's no problem. We have separate rooms, we've dated other guys, it's cool. There's someone he's...kind of seeing now, so he's fine. 

**Longshot:** I'll be honest and say we did hook up about a month ago but that was the last time. 

**Longshot:** I care about Stan, and I love him like a friend, but I don't think of him as a boyfriend or anything like that. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** My friend Bill and I dated in high school, he was my first boyfriend.

 **Longshot:** That's cute. :)

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** We've fooled around a few times since then but the most recent time was like, ten years ago? Wow LOL holy shit. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, I think it was around when bin Laden was killed! Bill was helping me move into my new place and we heard the news and popped a bottle of champagne and then we had sex! :D

 **Longshot:** LOL okay

 **Longshot:** I remember hearing about bin Laden. I was in my room, watching TV. 

**Longshot:** I was 15. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** FUCK way to make a guy feel old. O_o

 **Longshot:** Aww. ;)

 **Longshot:** Is it weird if I tell you that I think it's hot that you kicked a guy's ass in defense of your friend and that you'd do the same for me if some creep was hitting on me?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Not weird at all!

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** But if a guy was being a creep to you in front of me I might go full John Wick on the guy's ass. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Not like murder and guns and shit, but full on, I am going to kick this fucker's ass all over TOWN for messing with my guy.

 **Longshot:** Fuck.

 **Longshot:** I wish you were really here. In my bed. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Mmm? What would you do if I was, baby?

 **Longshot:** I'd rub your chest and start kissing your neck.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Mmm. Feels good, baby. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I want to kiss you

 **Longshot:** Yes I've been wanting to kiss you 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'd pull you close, run my fingers through your hair

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** And I'd probably look at you for a little while. My beautiful baby

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Then I'd place my hands on the side of your face

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Can I kiss you, baby?

 **Longshot:** Yes yes please 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay. Close your eyes and let me kiss you

 **Longshot:** God it feels like you're really here

 **Longshot:** If you were here I'd spend so much time kissing you

 **Longshot:** Then I'd start touching you. Move my hips against you

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Bad boy

 **Longshot:** I can be good for you

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah?

 **Longshot:** So good

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Show me

 **Longshot:** You want me to show you how good I can be?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You know I do, baby.

 **Longshot:** Hold on a sec...I'm gonna take a picture.

 **Longshot:** if that's okay?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh my god seriously? Okay yeah definitely yes please yes

\-- Longshot sent a photo: [image001.jpg] 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh fucking god baby baby oh my god

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I can see the drops of precum on your underwear oh fuck you're big too you're so beautiful

 **Longshot:** Fuck I'm sorry I said no dick pics before. Shit sorry

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** No baby it's okay it's not like a naked dick pic I figured that's what you meant

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You're so fucking beautiful. So sexy, so perfect. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Can I touch you, baby?

 **Longshot:** God yes please

 **Longshot:** I love those hands, I want to feel them on me

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You will, I promise. I'm going to make you feel so good

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** First, I'm going to rub my hands all over your chest and your hips. Touch all that gorgeous skin. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Then I'm gonna reach down and rub my fingers over the tip of that gorgeous cock. Feel how wet you are for me

 **Longshot:** oh god 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck, you're hard. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Are you touching yourself, baby?

 **Longshot:** Yeah

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** That's good, baby. You're so good

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Can you rub your hand over that beautiful cock of yours for me?

 **Longshot:** Yes

 **Longshot:** Fuck that feels good

 **Longshot:** You're making me feel so good

 **Longshot:** God I want you

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Tell me how you want me baby

 **Longshot:** I want you every way

 **Longshot:** Can I tell you my favorite position now

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yes baby you're being so good for me

 **Longshot:** I like being on my back, my legs wrapped around someone

 **Longshot:** I like seeing a man's face as he comes inside me

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck.

 **Longshot:** Tell me what you like.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck. I like those things too

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I start slow, moving my hands all over, then work on getting him ready for me. It takes a while, but I love it. I love doing it.

 **Longshot:** Takes a while?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, I like to make sure he's really ready. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm pretty big, most of the time I don't...um get to be all inside. 

**Longshot:** Oh fuck

 **Longshot:** I want to take all of you. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You sure, baby?

 **Longshot:** God yes I fucking want it

 **Longshot:** I'm going to use a toy and pretend it's you

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy shit baby

 **Longshot:** Using my fingers now

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** That's right baby... get yourself ready

 **Longshot:** Getting the lube now

 **Longshot:** I'm using speech to text by the way so I don't get lube on my phone because that's fucking gross

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Haha me too gotta love technology

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I've got a toy too...it's a fake ass haha but your ass is so much better looking 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm gonna set it to super tight 

**Longshot:** What the fuck haha you're a dork

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah but I have a big dick so yay for me

 **Longshot:** Yay for me you mean because you're gonna fuck me with it

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Damn right baby

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Mmm I'm getting myself all wet so I can slide inside you

 **Longshot:** Holy shit

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Tell me what you're doing right now baby

 **Longshot:** I've got two fingers inside me...getting myself ready for you

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You're being so good for me

 **Longshot:** Fuck it feels good... going to add a third one 

**Longshot:** I'm so wet I'm dripping all over myself

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck I want to taste you

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'd have one hand under you..my fingers inside you and working you open. 

**Longshot:** Oh god

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Then I'd use my free hand and stroke your beautiful cock and get some of that precum on my fingers

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Look up baby...I want you to watch me lick your precum off my fingers while I curl my fingers inside you

 **Longshot:** Oh fuck oh fuck oh god right there

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Mmm yeah there you go...

 **Longshot:** Fuck fuck oh god 

**Longshot:** Fuck oh shit I'm ready please fuck me now

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay baby lie back for me...I'm gonna start slow and get you used to me

 **Longshot:** C'mon I want it give it to me

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I will baby nice and slow...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy fuck you're tight

 **Longshot:** So big I'm gonna come on your big cock

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck yeah take it 

**Longshot:** Ahh god fuck yes

 **Longshot:** Fuck me c'mon

 **Longshot:** I want it hard I can take it

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You want it hard?

 **Longshot:** Fuck yes c'mon give it to me

 **Longshot:** I've been so good I need it

 **Longshot:** I'm yours

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck yes you're mine you're fucking mine take it

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** You're gonna make me come so hard

 **Longshot:** Fuck me hard give it to me 

**Longshot:** Fucking rail me

 **Longshot:** Oh fuck I'm so close gonna come on your cock

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Jesus 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh fuck you're taking it so good you're so fucking good

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm coming baby I'm coming in you oh fuck oh god baby baby 

**Longshot:** Fuck oh god please yes fuck me I'm coming

 **Longshot:** Fuck oh fuck oh fuck

 **Longshot:** Oh my God holy shit

 **Longshot:** Fuck I'm shaking

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy shit I'm dizzy

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy shit

 **Longshot:** Ah shit I'm all gross...give me a sec I gotta clean up

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Haha yeah baby take your time

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm completely spent

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I think I jizzed like a fucking gallon of come

 **Longshot:** What the fuck haha I fucking doubt that

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay like maybe a liter

 **Longshot:** You're crazy

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay fine so maybe like three or four tablespoons...or five...six tops

 **Longshot:** You need to see a doctor

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** What I need is to wrap my arms around you and cover your face with kisses

 **Longshot:** Mmm you're so sweet

 **Longshot:** My big man

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** That's right baby

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm all yours

 **Longshot:** Good

 **Longshot:** I'm yours too

* * * *

"You're fucking glowing."

"Hmm?" Eddie glanced over at Stan, who was watching him from the recliner with a knowing smirk. "I'm not glowing, I'm just sitting here. Watching TV."

"You've got the goofiest smile right now."

Eddie felt his face heat up. "I'm watching the show! It's a comedy. God forbid I smile at it."

"Oh yeah? What show are you watching?"

"It's The Office, douchebag."

"What episode?"

"Um..." Eddie pursed his lips. "I...the one where Dwight acts all weird."

"Ah yes, _that_ episode."

"Fuck you."

"You've been checking your phone and giggling like a teenager."

"You've been doing the same thing, asshole."

Stan's smirk faded and he shrugged. "Just...you know. Looking at stuff online."

"Mmhmm."

"Like, Reddit and stuff."

"Sure. Reddit. Totally."

"Oh, fuck off."

Eddie snorted, but then there was a knock at the front door that disintegrated any kind of retort he might have had. 

"Got a couple of packages here for your address, boys!" It was Joe, their office manager. "They were too big for the mail room."

He and Stan exchanged a wild glance, and they both scrambled to the door, flinging it open to see Joe, who looked less than enthused.

"Evening, boys." He gestured at the cart at his feet. "These are for you. The big one is heavy as hell. Mind if I wheel it in?"

"Sure." Eddie felt himself nearly humming with excitement as Joe unloaded the two boxes into their living room. 

"Let me know if you're going to get more packages like these. I'll have Frank help me with getting them up here...I don't know what you two ordered, but you got a ton's worth of it."

"They're gifts, actually," Eddie mumbled as Stan hurried to the kitchen to get a pair of scissors. 

Joe grunted in response and dragged his cart to the door. "Enjoy your gifts. I'm going to take a couple of aspirin and lie in a hot bath for an hour."

"Mmkay, bye." Eddie crouched down and examined the labels as Stan returned with the scissors. "Okay. The big one is for you, it's from some place called Dufresne & Redding. And mine is from... Sidewinder Entertainment." Eddie grabbed his phone to do a search on the names. 

Stan knelt on the floor and slid the scissors down the line of tape on the package, frowning in concentration. "Find anything?"

"Dufresne & Redding is a literary agency, and apparently they are a big fucking deal. So I guess your guy is an agent, like mine."

"I think he's an editor. He makes a lot of literary references in his messages." Stan began pulling at the box handles. "What about yours?"

"Sidewinder Entertainment is massive, they run all kinds of things - record labels, movie studios...Jesus. This is so crazy." Eddie put his phone down as he watched Stan open his package. "Whoa. How many books are in there?"

Stan brushed away the wrapping paper that covered the books. "I have no idea. Shit, look at all of these. Ben Mears, Jack Torrance, Bill Denbrough, George Stark...Holy fucking shit." Stan opened the cover of Jack Torrance's bestseller, Room 237. "This is fucking autographed! By Jack Torrance himself, are you shitting me?"

"Holy shit." Eddie watched in growing shock as Stan made a stack of books on the floor next to him. "Is that a copy of Broken Minds? In fucking hardcover?"

"Ben Mears fucking signed it, too! What the hell...Oh shit, The Darkest Room, I heard a lot about this one...HOLY FUCK! Eddie, Bill Denbrough fucking wrote a note on the front page! **Hope you enjoy this, happy reading** \- Holy shit, this guy knows Bill fucking Denbrough? Personally? Fuck!"

"Jesus." Eddie's sat on the floor next to his package, grabbing the scissors to cut it open. "What else is in there?"

"Audubon's Birds Of America, a birding journal, and there's a huge box here, it's wrapped..."

Eddie pried the handles of his box open and let out a breath. "Oh..."

Stan looked over, his hands still pulling at the wrapping paper. "Blu-rays? We don't have a Blu-ray player."

"Well...we do now." Eddie pulled out a box and set it between them. 

Stan stared at it, then looked at Eddie with shock. "That's...that's a PS5."

"Yeah. There are some games in here too. But it looks like it's mostly comedy Blu-rays. Everybody I mentioned in my list, my favorite comedians...their stand up specials."

"That's cool as hell." Stan finished unwrapping his box and opened it. "Oh my god. Oh my god..."

"What is it?"

"HD binoculars. These are gorgeous. Oh shit, there's a harness too!"

"Oh. Uh..."

Stan huffed. "No, not like that, it's so you can keep the binoculars secure and you don't have to hold onto them."

"Oh, cool." Eddie pulled out a book and gasped. "Oh wow, this is cool, I always wanted a copy of...Holy fucking _shit_! Jesus Christ, this is a fucking autographed copy of Brain Droppings!"

"What is...?"

"It's a book by George Carlin! Oh Jesus...oh my god..." Eddie ran his fingers over the ink in awe. "I can't...I can't believe this. How did he...?"

Stan waved his hand over Eddie's gifts. "You said your guy was an agent, right? He probably has all this stuff on hand, in a personal collection or something like that."

"Yeah..." Eddie carefully set the book aside and spotted an envelope with **Longshot** written on the front. He opened it carefully as Stan pulled out a letter tucked into a copy of Bill Denbrough's Bedlam. 

Eddie pulled his own letter out of the envelope and felt a jolt when he realized that Wild&CrazyGuy had written it _himself_ , with his own hands.

_Those hands..._

Eddie shook himself and started reading.

**Longshot -**

**I hope you like everything, I put a few things in there that I've had for a while. I have other George Carlin memorabilia, so don't you worry about me. :)**

**You mentioned the other day that you didn't have plans this weekend, so I included a couple of tickets for you and Stan to a comedy show on Friday, it's at the Largo At The Coronet. No pressure of course. :) But I think (I hope!) you'll enjoy it.**

**\- W &CG**

**(FYI - I can't stop thinking about you, baby)**

* * * *

**Longshot:** I got the package. I seriously don't have the words right now.

 **Longshot:** THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU oh my God 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** :D :D :D

 **Longshot:** Are you sure you want me to keep the signed copy of Brain Droppings???

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Absolutely yes!! I have signed CDs from George Carlin, I'm good. :)

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm so glad you like it, baby

 **Longshot:** You are so good to me. 

**Longshot:** I know this is a lot and it's really soon 

**Longshot:** And I know we don't really know each other, you don't even know my name

 **Longshot:** It's crazy, the package is addressed to "Longshot"

 **Longshot:** But I still feel really close to you. 

**Longshot:** Is that stupid?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** No! Not at all! I feel the same way, baby.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I want to tell you more, but I don't want to freak you out

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** But I don't want to lie 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Shit I'm babbling like an idiot LOL sorry

 **Longshot:** No, no, it makes sense

 **Longshot:** Are you going to be at the show on Friday night?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna be there. 

**Longshot:** You probably go to a lot of comedy shows for your job

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yup lol

 **Longshot:** We're gonna go to the show, Stan and I.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh cool wow okay yeah cool :)

 **Longshot:** Yeah the lineup looks really great.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh yeah?

 **Longshot:** Yeah, lots of great names. Looking forward to it.

 **Longshot:** I'm watching one of the Blu-rays you sent, Comedians of Comedy. I think my list of my top 10 comedians working today should be able to include the main four as one pick, because I otherwise I'm limited to adding other names. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** LOL okay I'll allow it ;)

 **Longshot:** So, my list is: 

**Longshot:** John Mulaney, Marc Maron, David Cross, Bo Burnham, Dave Chappelle, Tig Notaro, The Comedians of Comedy, that's seven...

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Cool cool cool

 **Longshot:** And I've been watching some clips online and have the last three.

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Ooohhhh drumroll 

**Longshot:** Lol dork

 **Longshot:** So if I had to pick a final three, I'd go with:

 **Longshot:** Andy Kindler, Richie Tozier, Paul F. Tompkins

 **Longshot:** ...Are you still there?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sorry sorry I dropped my phone

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Cool yeah the list is complete! 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** So what made you pick the last three?

 **Longshot:** Um. Because they're funny...?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Right yeah of course sorry lol

 **Longshot:** Oh shit Stan's having a meltdown over his new binoculars, apparently there's a camera attachment that takes pictures and videos. 

**Longshot:** He's losing his mind and says he needs my help getting it set up...Okay if I talk to you later?

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yes, of course! :)

 **Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'll talk to you later, baby 

**Longshot:** Definitely. :)

 **Longshot:** Thank you again.

 **Longshot:** By the way...

 **Longshot:** My name's Eddie

 **Longshot:** :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see content warnings in Notes at end of chapter.

_Holy shit._

_Holy shit, holy shit._

"Eddie," Richie whispered, his throat feeling tight. "Baby...your name is Eddie."

Richie looked over the previous messages, his heart racing again when he saw his own name in the list of favorite comedians. Longshot...Eddie...was a _fan_.

Richie sat down in his bed and tried to breathe normally.

_Oh my fucking God._

_Okay, just...just stay fucking calm..._

**Longshot:** I'm back. :)

**Longshot:** Stan is literally making lists of places he's going to visit tomorrow with his new binoculars. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** XD cool

_Wait a minute. Binoculars? Why does that sound familiar...?_

**Longshot:** I'm realizing that I fucked up on my list of top 10 favorite comedians working today. I forgot that I'd mentioned Jerrod Carmichael. But I don't want to change my list, so fuck it, he's on it too.

**Longshot:** Plus technically my Comedians of Comedy entry is four people, so whatever. And I had to think really hard for my last three picks.

Richie took a deep breath and decided to go for broke. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** It's cool. :) Did you find any certain clips that made you decide on the last three?

**Longshot:** Haha okay 

**Longshot:** Andy Kindler's the only person who can explain a joke and have it be hilarious instead of annoying. 

**Longshot:** I loved his mockery of Trump on The Root of All Evil. Plus his pancake trial on Kid's Court was great.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Lol yeah I've seen that one

**Longshot:** Paul F Tompkins is funny in everything. I love his joke about scary movies having a scene where someone shows up in the mirror and attacks someone, but it can't happen to him because his bathroom is too small. 

**Longshot:** Which is weird, because me and my friend Beverly used to have nightmares about getting attacked in our bathrooms. 

**Longshot:** But anyway yeah I was watching his Cake Boss routine on Comedy Bang Bang and I was laughing so hard that Stan checked on me because he said it sounded like I was having an asthma attack

**Longshot:** And I don't have asthma but I used to use an inhaler when I was a kid...long story, it's kind of depressing

**Longshot:** Am I rambling? I'll shut up now

Richie actually squeaked as he jumped around on his bed. "NO, oh my god, don't stop, baby, please, I need validation!"

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** No no no this is all cool to know

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** :)

**Longshot:** lol okay

**Longshot:** So I'm not to keen on Richie Tozier's early stuff...

Richie snorted. "Neither am I, babe."

**Longshot:** And he can be really gross, but he's actually really clever and he's gotten really fucking good 

**Longshot:** His joke about the Loch Ness monster having a gay affair with Bigfoot in Area 51 had me crying laughing. Holy shit.

"AHHH holy shit, yes! Fuck! I'm goddamn proud of that one, too!"

**Longshot:** He came out recently, which is very fucking cool...

"Yes! Yes, it _is_ cool! Oh my god, keep going..."

**Longshot:** And his story about getting to second base with a woman is so wrong but it's hilarious.

"That shit actually happened! I'm gay as fuck over here, oh my god, holy shit, baby, keep going..."

**Longshot:** I saw him on the Tonight Show recently, he compared himself to Bugs Bunny and said he needed a boyfriend like Daffy Duck, that was cute. 

"Baby, oh my god, did you just call me _cute_?"

**Longshot:** Oh shit, Richie Tozier's on an episode of Drunk History, I never noticed that before. I'll have to check that one out.

"Noooo! Fuck!" Richie collapsed onto his bed and sighed. Damn, things were going so good too. He'd been a weepy mess on that episode, blubbering on about the making of Apocalypse Now and his own sad life. Pathetic. Longshot... _Eddie_...was going to watch it and get totally turned off. 

Richie tried to think of a way to convince Eddie not to watch it that wasn't suspicious, but before he could make an attempt, Eddie sent another message. 

**Longshot:** I watched the Paul F Tompkins Drunk History episode, that was great. My favorite might be Rich Fulcher's Abe Lincoln story, though.

**Longshot:** But anyway, yeah, that's my list. :)

**Longshot:** Hey, um...I've got a question for you

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sure :)

**Longshot:** You mentioned that you're going to be at the show on Friday?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah :)

**Longshot:** So I was thinking, and feel free to say no, but... maybe we can meet up after the show? Get a drink or something? 

Richie buried his face into a pillow and screamed. Then he screamed again, and again. 

He had two options. Maybe more than two, Richie didn't know. He couldn't think. But the way he saw it, he could politely decline, rejecting a guy he was totally crazy about and maybe ruining any future chances with him, or he could accept. Then Eddie would see that he had in fact been talking to Richie Tozier the entire time, and he might end up hating Richie for his artifice. 

Sure, it was possible that Eddie would be pleased, and maybe they could have a nice talk, and maybe Eddie would let Richie give him a hug, or even a kiss, and they could go back to Richie's place and he could go to fucking town on this guy...

**Longshot:** Are you still there?

**Longshot:** Shit. Shit, I'm sorry, I'm an idiot. Just forget I said anything, okay? Please?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** NO, you're not an idiot, not at all! 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I guess I'm just nervous :S

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** But yeah, I'd love that. I'd love to meet you. In person. 

**Longshot:** Really?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Definitely :)

**Longshot:** Great!

**Longshot:** I want to properly thank you for all of my gifts.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Aww, you already thanked me, baby :)

**Longshot:** I know :)

**Longshot:** But maybe I want to thank you properly, in person. Maybe I want to spend all night thanking you, over and over again, until we're both exhausted.

Richie's mouth went dry. "Oh man." He dropped his phone and stumbled to his closet, opening it and peering inside with a groan. "Fuck. What the _fuck_ am I gonna fucking wear to this goddamn thing?"

....

From that moment on, Richie was a man on a mission. Operation Absolute Best Case Scenario was in full effect.

Ideally, once they met, Richie would able to pull off a ridiculous amount of charm and Eddie would allow himself to be whisked away to Casa de Tozier for the entire weekend, to be romanced properly and treated to as many orgasms as the male body could safely allow. A guy could dream. 

Richie knew his house wasn't a complete disaster, but it had been a long time since he'd had company and he wanted everything to look presentable. Luckily Bill had the name of a cleaning company that worked quickly and efficiently, and they managed to make Richie's house sparkle like a goddamn vampire in the sun. 

The kitchen was next. Richie stocked it with high quality snacks, beer, juice, three different kinds of milk, and anything else he could think of. Eddie had mentioned being into healthier foods (which wasn't surprising, because damn, that body of his was insane), so Richie grabbed dried fruit chips, organic popcorn, kale chips, mixed nuts (heh), and a cornucopia of fresh fruit from the local market. He created a little section in his cabinets for all the stuff Eddie might like, pushing aside his stash of chocolate marshmallow Oreos and Jelly Bellys. 

Richie also bought a new box of condoms, replacing his expired ones, and his favorite brand of lube. He also got new batteries in case Eddie was into incorporating toys with sex (a guy could dream!). Eddie had also mentioned feeling "gross" after being covered with lube and his own come, so Richie felt it would be only polite to stock up on hand towels, and wipes to have next to the bed. On a whim, he stashed a bottle of mouthwash in the drawer of his nightstand after he imagined a delightful scenario where Eddie let Richie eat him out and then let Richie fuck him slowly as he stared up at him, and if that happened, Richie would definitely want to kiss him. 

He was arranging all of his goodies when he realized that Eddie might even be down to top him. He clearly enjoyed bottoming (and Richie _loved_ to top), but...

Well. Richie was...big. Not freakishly big, but big enough that guys would sometimes look up at him in shock, or tell him that they'd be down for anything but penetration. Richie had mentioned the issue to Eddie, but Eddie had sounded enthusiastic about getting fucked by a big dick. Still, Richie was definitely down to bottom for him.

Which reminded him, Richie had gotten a shitload of followers on Twitter asking him if he was a top or bottom. He'd tried to think of the most entertaining way to respond, because he was _not_ going to let an opportunity like that go, and all he could think of was a poll until he came up with the perfect tweet.

**_FYI if you ever asked if I'm a top or bottom, the answer is bothsies! #Versatile #PitcherAndCatcher #SwitchieRichie_**

Boom, done. 

Now, all Richie had to do was try to remain fucking calm so he didn't blow his chance with Eddie and get his fucking heart broken.

....

Richie got up on Friday with his mind already racing. It wasn't completely unusual, as he was always buzzing on the day he had to perform, but he kept checking the SweetLife app to see if Eddie had changed his mind. Which, he told himself, would be okay. They'd been moving fairly quickly, and they met on a stupid dating app (if you could call having a sugar daddy dating - and Richie never really considered himself to be Eddie's sugar daddy). There were all kinds of reasons for Eddie to back out.

But that morning, Richie got a single message that made his heart race.

**Longshot:** I can't wait to finally see you. :)

Richie grinned and sent a quick response. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Me too, baby. 

**Longshot:** Stan knows I'm meeting you after the show, by the way. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Good, cool. If we end up going somewhere, you can send him the location and my phone number so he'll know you're okay.

**Longshot:** Yeah, we both said the same thing. 

**Longshot:** Hey, so...

**Longshot:** I don't want you to feel obligated to do anything. We can just meet up for drinks and nothing else. 

**Longshot:** In case you meet me and you're disappointed.

"Aww, baby..." Richie sighed, his arms aching to hold Eddie close and whisper sweet things to him. At some point in Eddie's life, someone told him that he wasn't worth much and he'd learned to believe it. It was bullshit, and Richie wanted to badly for Eddie to know that. He would work on correcting that, if Eddie would let him. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Baby, you couldn't disappoint me if you tried. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** But no pressure, okay? If we meet and you don't feel comfortable with everything, then we'll figure it out

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** But I'm already crazy about you :)

**Longshot:** Same here

**Longshot:** :)

....

The Largo was packed, and the audience was loud and responsive, cheers and laughter following every act. The guy who went on before Richie was Aiden Porter, who was one of Richie's closest friends in the business. He was also a goddamn nutcase - crude, bizarre, self deprecating, and Richie absolutely loved him. And, according to the audience's reaction, he wasn't alone. His material usually had people groaning as they laughed, which made him the perfect lead in for Richie. Aiden was wrapping up his set with his usual giddy lack of refinement.

"...And why is that so wrong, people? What do you care if I fucked my high school counselor? He had the softest hands... c'mon, I'm being romantic! He was good to me! He told me, 'Aiden, you can do anything you set your mind to', and in his mind, what I needed to set my mind to was bending a forty-five year old man over his desk and fucking him until the pictures of his family fell off that very desk. See, some of you are surprised that I topped, so I just take that to mean that you're close minded. That's on you! Get with the rest of the 21st century!"

Richie paced and took deep breaths, getting himself psyched to go on stage. He still got jittery before he performed, and knowing that Eddie was out there watching was enough to make him feel like he was filled with Pop Rocks. 

"Okay, a lot of you were on board with me recapping the story of getting dumped by my ex-girlfriend at a Wendy's, but not me railing a trusted authority figure when I was a minor," Aiden conceded. "Good for you, I guess. Maybe you're only a little close minded. Well, you're gonna need to open those minds right up for this next guy, you're gonna need to open yourselves wide as fuck, and yes, I'm speaking from experience...fuck you, I'm pansexual and it gets lonely on the road! We've all fucked each other! Jesus. Learn about showbiz, people, do some fucking research. But yes, unclench yourselves, because here is the one and only... Richie Tozier!"

A familiar rush ran through Richie as he stepped into the lights, grinning at Aiden who gave him one of his trademark leering grins. The audience was on fire, fucking chanting for him as Aiden patted his shoulder and headed off stage. 

"Oh, wow. That was nice. Nice reception there...hey, you guys are happy to see me!" Richie squinted at the audience as people cheered an affirmative. "Okay, but I'm not used to that. This is the only time I get that kind of reaction. I enter a room and people visibly brace themselves, like "Goddammit. NO. You? Fuck no!" It's everywhere. Work meetings, parties, church luncheons, courtrooms, everywhere! Even as a kid, that was the reaction I got. I grew up in a shitty small town, my teachers despised me, and my parents could take or leave me...I mean, yeah, they loved me, I guess? They left food out for me, like I was a pet. I came home from school once, and there were cookies on the kitchen counter, which was nice. But my mom had left a note that said, I shit you not, "I can't remember if you're allergic to peanut butter. If you are, leave these for your father. Love, Mom." I feel like she forgot a question mark in there, right after Love. 

"I'm not allergic to anything, so I ate all the cookies out of spite. That'll show her! And it's weird, it's not like I was the youngest in a family of seven, no tragic backstory, nothing like that. They had me and then they were just..."Oh. I guess...we have to...raise him?" Yeah. Hey, stop going "Aww", I'm fine! And, they're dead. Both of them. So ha. Hey, no, fuck you, I was in L.A. the whole time! I have witnesses. _I didn't do it!_ Um, no. They died because they were old and sick. Or! Or they faked their deaths and they're off committing crimes like Mickey and Mallory in Natural Born Killers. Bonnie and Clyde, but more fucked up. Why not? Let's go with that, let's give them a happy ending.

"But yeah, my parents weren't that into me. Not the biggest fans. If I wandered downstairs for a snack or something, they'd look at me like, "You're still here?" And I'd just be like, "...Yeah? I'm twelve? Probably gonna be here for a few years, sorry." I was clothed and fed. And ignored. So, now I do this.

"Aww, don't feel sorry for me, I'm fine. I'm getting older, but I'm relatively healthy. My doctor...or I should say my latest doctor, they keep changing, it's weird. I don't know if it's a health insurance thing, or if they're playing "hot potato" with me, but I swear every time I have a check up or go in for something, a week later I get a letter saying "Dr. So and So moved to fucking Hawaii. Your latest doctor is Dr. Whoever. Don't fuck this one up!" 

"But yeah, my doctor told me I'm doing well for a guy of my group. And I asked him, what does that mean, "group"? Did he put us into groups that I don't know about? Is he grooming us to fight each other for dominance? I'm gonna need to see the other guys in my group before I take them on. I haven't been in a fight in years but fuck it, I'm game. Just have some asshole say something shitty, like "Mel Brooks is overrated" and I'll go in swinging. How fucking dare you! How fucking _dare you_. I goddamn love Mel Brooks.

"What the doctor meant by group was my age and occupation. A guy in his forties in the entertainment industry. AKA, not dead or arrested, but no one's knocking my door down asking me to do cologne ads. Which is bullshit, because I smell great. I smell great all over. Just ask your dads.

"It's important to be healthy. I don't do cocaine anymore. I did a bit when I was younger, because that's required in show business. "Okay, sign this contract, come get your actors union card, aaaaand do these lines." Turns out nosebleeds freak me the fuck out, so I stopped and now I just drink a bit now and...did someone just yell out "Apocalypse Now"? Fuck you, man! Obviously I was a mess during that episode of Drunk History...don't applaud that! Holy shit. I don't usually get that weepy when I'm drunk. It's just when you're gay and trying to hide it, but realize that you're going on and on about how hot Martin Sheen was and how hot Marlon Brando was in A Streetcar Named Desire...well, you get a televised meltdown. Wonderful.

"But yeah, I'm healthy. For the most part. As long as I can still fuck, I'm happy. Yes, applaud that! Applaud my dick adventures! Sex is great, if you enjoy that sort of thing, and I do. I love it. I tried having sex with a woman once, and oh man, that was the only time sex was not fun for me. We met at a wrap party - yes, a goddamn wrap party, fuck you, I'm famous! - and she was bring very friendly, she's a beautiful woman, so I did what a lot of closeted gay men do - I panicked. So we end up in her apartment, and I'm thinking, "I can do this! I've been playing a straight guy my whole life! This is just me being super method!"

"It was a disaster. She's beautiful, really, nice figure, and we're kissing, which was fine, I just imagined she was a guy who shaved recently and smelled like vanilla for some reason. But it's not working. My brain would not get on board. "We don't like this! This is not fun! Ask her if she has a brother!" Just...no dice. I am soft as fucking marshmallows, man. My dick has zero interest in the proceedings.

"She tried! The poor woman...she took her top off, and she has large breasts...yeah, "Woo!", random guy in the audience, but this does nothing for me. And she's clearly used to that kind of reaction, and I'm just sitting there. Not even looking at her chest, just sort of looking at her like..."Uh, okay? Now what?" This kind of confused her, so she took her bra off and then I'm thinking, "a straight guy would react to this". And all I can think of is when teachers used to put those cool stickers on your homework, sometimes they were scratch and sniff, those were the best. Now I didn't scratch and sniff her, but I figured, let me show some of that enthusiasm. And to be fair, I was a few drinks in. So I gave her two thumbs up, like this...I am not joking...and yelled "Grape job!" Because...I liked the stickers with the smiling grapes.

"Well, I'm glad you're laughing, because she did not laugh, she got pissed as fuck! She said I was making fun of her. I see an out, I take it! I tell her I'm drunk, and I'm not, not really, but fuck it. I took a cab home and jerked off to that volleyball scene in Top Gun, because I love cinema."

Richie took a sip of water and sighed as the laughter died down a bit. "Sooo...in case you couldn't tell, I'm gay." He grinned at the outpouring of applause and cheers. "Aww, you guys! Thank you. That's sweet. Yeah, I'm out now. Out and proud. There are things nobody warns you about before you come out, though, things I had to find out on my own. Like the arguments I'd have with people. Not like, "oh, being gay is wrong, you can't get anal plugs and lube in Heaven!", nothing like that. And how the fuck would they know? If Heaven isn't me fucking and getting fucked, sign me up for the other place. I'll be getting spit roasted between James Dean and Cary Grant. Yeah, I know, sounds good, right? I'll set up an OnlyFans in the afterlife. Just for you guys. 

"But some people I knew were surprised to hear that I'm gay. One guy...I've know him for about three years. And I saw him recently, we were catching up, and he gets this look in his eye and starts to kinda fidget and I know that look already, that's the "I'm about to ask you about your gayness" look. He starts with "Congratulations, I'm proud of you, blah blah", that's nice. Then he leans a little close, and says, "Hey man, I gotta ask you something." Yeah. This guy's serious. So I brace myself, thinking he's going to ask about sociological implications of being out in the 21st century, but no! No, this fucker says, "So, uh, Richie...you ever use a gloryhole?"

The audience snickered and there were a few exclamations of disgust. _Ha, ha, buckle up, folks._

"That's...that's kind of a stretch, right? You don't go from "yeah, society's really coming along, yay for gay marriage" to "let's discuss you sticking your dick through a hole in a gas station bathroom". And I know what you're thinking, "Richie, why does it have to be a gas station bathroom? Why not a rest stop? Or an airport bathroom? Broaden your horizons!" I don't know, I guess I'm just a traditionalist, sue me. 

"So I just look at him, and I realize he's serious. I tell him, "No, man...I've never done that. On either end, by the way." I'm not sure if that was part of his question, but there are some facts for you. I live sucking dick and I'm good at it, but I like to kinda know whose dick I'm sucking. Yeah, write that shit down! It's philosophical! Tweet it! Tag me, I don't care. Fuck it. 

"This guy's reaction was bizarre. His face gets all scrunched up and he says two words to me..."Why not?" And I stare at him. _"Why not?"_? What the fuck...why would I do that? Grindr is like, right there. And guess what, I've had gay groupies! I call them Chucklefucks, get it? Because they laugh at me when I ask them for their phone number after they finish wiping my come off their faces. Oh! Oh, shit, look, I've offended someone, my bad. I'm sorry, I forgot I was doing comedy in the Vatican, lady, holy shit. My nickname is literally Trashmouth. You haven't...hey, wait a minute, she's laughing! Take your hand away from your mouth. You _are_ laughing! Wait a minute! Ma'am, are you upset with yourself for laughing at my joke? Seriously? Well, _that's_ fucking weird. That's a bizarre response. 'Words came out of his mouth and caused a moment of mirth, goddamn it, NO!' That's you. I'm not the weirdo here. Not this time.

"Anyway. I'm single now, and therefore people assume weird shit of me. Well..." Richie grinned. "I'm, uh, kind of single. I'm sort of seeing somebody now." A few people clapped, and Richie nodded and took a sip of water. "Yeah, it's exciting, it's pretty new, and...okay, some of you people look way too shocked." He smirked at a few audience members who were trying to hide their laughter behind their hands. "What? What is it? I know I'm no Chris Hemsworth, but...holy shit, I didn't even get to finish that thought! You guys are cracking up like crazy over there! So mean! God, it's like high school all over again. Except my parents are dead and I have money and access to fast internet and...okay, it's nothing like high school. Fuck it. What was I saying? Oh yeah, new sort of boyfriend. He's the hottest guy in the world. I adore this guy, he's amazing." Richie giggled as a few women gave the obligatory "Awww" response. "Yeah, he's...he's really cool. Funny, smart, sexy...he's wonderful. And I guess...I guess that's what everyone wants in life. To be loved, and understood. This brings me to my next point, which is this: I'm pretty sure I've figured out what's going on in Area 51."

Some of the more die hard fans started whooping and applauding at the set up of one of his more famous jokes, and Richie swore he could hear someone in the back saying "Oh my fucking God, he's doing it". He squinted and thought he could make out a super cute dark haired guy with a gorgeous smile, shaking his head in disbelief, but that might have been a trick of the lighting. Richie shrugged it off and kept going.

"Here's my theory on the Loch Ness monster...first of all, total bottom. He's a bottom bitch. Look at those flippers. I'm not wrong, people, clearly you need to study cryptozoology in reference to homosexual subcultures. He's a power bottom plesiosaur and I will not listen to any sort of argument against this..."

....

Backstage was a chaotic mess, as it tended to be after a show. Most comics were heading home, saying goodbye to each other as they snuck out bags of candy, water bottles, and chips from the craft services table. A few of them, like Richie and Aiden, lived in L.A., so they sat on the couch as people occasionally greeted them.

The show went great, Richie got a fuckload of applause and even a few people standing up at the end of his set, but now Richie was all jittery again because he had to wait for his fucking phone to stop dicking around so he could send a message to Eddie. Richie had turned it off and had it charging as he went onstage, and apparently the stupid thing updated in the meantime, which meant he had to wait forever for it to come back to life. 

In the meantime, Aiden was crunching on chips and glaring at the can they came in.  
"Look at this. Look at this asshole. The new Pringles mascot looks like shit, Richie! Am I crazy or does this guy look like utter shit?"

Richie glanced over. "Uhhh...huh. Didn't he used to have a bowtie?"

"He did, it was goddamn adorable! He's an asshole now! His expression went from "Fuck yeah, these chips are goddamn delicious!" to "Oh, shit, did everyone just hear me fart in the middle of my father's eulogy?"

Richie snickered. "That's good, write that one down."

Aiden grunted and began typing on his phone. "Yeah, there might be something there. You okay, man? You seem on edge."

"Yeah, uh...I'm meeting someone later. So."

"Cool." Aiden set the chips down and smirked at an incoming text. "Boyfriend?"

"Kinda. Yeah. Sort of a...blind date thing? We've been talking through texts, so..."

Aiden frowned. "Um, he's real, right? You're not getting catfished?"

"Nope. He sent, um, custom pictures" Richie waggled his eyebrows. "Very real."

"Nice. Bryan won't send me dick pics. He keeps saying, 'Honey, what if your phone gets hacked?' Like I'm Leonardo DiCaprio over here. Who gives a fuck about my phone?" Aiden scoffed and patted Richie on the shoulder. "Have fun, man. Be safe. No felching on the first date, he's gotta earn that shit."

"A true romantic. Tell Bryan I said hi." Richie nearly started bouncing when his phone finally booted up, and quickly pressed on the SweetLife app to read his messages. 

**Longshot:** Hey, so

**Longshot:** I just got a call from my mom

**Longshot:** She said some really fucked up shit to me. I shouldn't have answered the phone. I wasn't thinking.

**Longshot:** My mom's really fucked up. We don't talk much, and that's because she always fucking upsets me like this. 

**Longshot:** I am a complete goddamn mess right now. Stan took me home. 

**Longshot:** I really wanted to see you tonight

**Longshot:** I was having such a good night and she fucking ruined it

**Longshot:** She always does this, and makes it out like it's my fault

**Longshot:** Jesus, I'm sorry.

**Longshot:** I wanted to stay but I was freaking out and having a fucking panic attack

**Longshot:** I'm so sorry. 

**Longshot:** I want to see you, I do, but I'm just so fucked up

**Longshot:** If you want to end everything I understand

"Jesus." Concern far outweighed any disappointment and Richie carefully maneuvered himself into a dressing room and closed the door before sending a reply.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Baby, it's okay. I don't want to end anything. I care about you. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Don't cry, baby, it's okay. I'm right here. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Is Stan there with you now? He sounds like a good friend. 

**Longshot:** Yeah. We're in the living room, watching The Office. He made snacks and told me to eat and watch silly shit with him

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Good. :)

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Which Office episode? Please don't say Scott's Tots

**Longshot:** lol no, it's Michael's foot injury one

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** "I BURNED MY FOOT!!!" that one?

**Longshot:** lol yeah

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I love that one. And Dwight being nice to Pam because of a head injury is just crazy

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hey Eddie...

**Longshot:** Yeah?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Do you want me to come rub butter on your foot?

**Longshot:** Okay, that just made me laugh hysterically and now Stan is giving me a weird look

**Longshot:** Stan says hi

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** HI STAN!!!11!!!!!!!

**Longshot:** Stan says he takes back his hi

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** No take backs, Stan! Your hi belongs to me now!

**Longshot:** You're so cute. And you're so good to me. 

**Longshot:** This is so fucking embarrassing

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Baby, no, don't be upset with yourself. You reacted to something, and that's okay. 

**Longshot:** I'll be okay, I'm just so upset now. I'll be pissed off later. I'll probably go into my "cleaning demon mode", as Stan calls it. 

**Longshot:** I'm just glad it's the weekend, so I don't have to think about work or calling out

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Good. :)

**Longshot:** Hey, so...I know we were going to meet for drinks, but unless you wanted to call everything off, maybe we can have dinner tomorrow?

**Longshot:** I can even pay for it. Some moron sent me $400 this morning because I, and I'm quoting here, "remind him of his high school Chemistry teacher" (???)

**Longshot:** I mean, if you want to get dinner at all. I'll shut up now, fuck, I'm a moron. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** No, hey, Eddie? Listen to me. You're not an idiot. I don't want you to shut up. I would love to have dinner with you. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Please stop insulting yourself, you're not being inappropriate or anything like that. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I would love to see you tomorrow for dinner. :)

**Longshot:** you would?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Of course! You're smart, funny, interesting, kind, generous, tough as fuck AND you're the sexiest guy on the planet, of COURSE I'm interested in you 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** How about we meet up someplace...I've actually got something in mind, it's not far from here

**Longshot:** Where do you live in L.A.?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay, don't laugh...

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Beverly Hills

**Longshot:** lol oh my god...

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I swear I didn't set out to be a cliche!!!!

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** :S

**Longshot:** How big is your house, hotshot?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** OOHH. Hotshot and Longshot, I like that. ;)

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Um. I think...about 5000 square feet? Ish?

**Longshot:** !!!!

**Longshot:** So, your bedroom is the size of our entire apartment.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Maybe? :S

**Longshot:** lol dork

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** XD I am a dork though. Fair warning. 

**Longshot:** Me too. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** If you're a dork, then you're a *sexy* dork >;)

**Longshot:** ...Is there such a thing?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Uh, sure? XD

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** So, there's a restaurant in Studio City, Firefly, we could go there...

**Longshot:** Cool, I know where that is

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'll get a table for tomorrow...they have cabanas with curtains, we can have some privacy

**Longshot:** That sounds great :)

**Longshot:** I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous as fuck.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Aww. Me too, baby. :) But it'll be okay, I promise.

Richie's phone buzzed with an incoming text. Once he saw that it was from Bill, Richie sent a quick "brb" to Eddie, then read Bill's message. 

\- **Bill** : Remind me never to agree to be a consultant on a movie I didn't even write ever again. I got back to L.A. two hours ago and I'm still jet lagged. How did your show go? Fuck, wait, you're on a date right now with your guy, aren't you? Longshot?

**\- Date got postponed. Show went great. :) I'm meeting Longshot tomorrow...his name's Eddie. :)**

\- **Bill** Great! So, my guy got the things I sent him. He loved the books and he's going crazy over the binoculars.

Richie frowned. "Binoculars..."

**\- What kind of binoculars were they?**

\- **Bill** Really cool ones, they have a little camera that takes pictures and videos. And I got my guy's name! I thought it might be Jack, because his username is Jackdaw, but it's Stan.

Richie froze, then sunk down into a chair. The outside noise seemed to fade as everything clicked into place.

**\- Hey Bill? Don't freak out, but...let me ask you something. Does Stan live at 86 Viking Way, Apartment 1047 in Studio City?**

\- **Bill** ...How the fuck did you know that? Did you talk to him?

"Holy fuck." Richie laughed. This was too insane. Was Fate just fucking with him?

**\- Billy Boy, we got ourselves a real humdinger of a situation here! Guess who else lives at that address? Here's a hint: his name rhymes with Spaghetti.**

\- **Bill** Are you fucking serious they're fucking roommates HOW IN THE FUCK what is happening?

**\- I swear I did not plan this! Holy shit!!! Hey wait wait are you wanting to meet up with Stan because I might have an idea!!!**

**Longshot:** Um...

**Longshot:** Stan just got a message. From his... person he's been messaging. 

**Longshot:** You fucking know ManOfLetters??? Personally???

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** And you fucking know Jackdaw!!!! Or should I say Stan the Man?

**Longshot:** Holy fuck is ManOfLetters the same Bill you've been friends with since high school, the guy you fucked when bin Laden died???

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Well...yes

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I swear upon everything holy that neither of us planned this

**Longshot:** Same fucking here! What the fuck?! 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Baby you're not mad are you?? Please don't be mad, I never intended anything like this to happen please I'm crazy about you I adore you please don't be mad

**Longshot:** I'm not mad, I'm just fucking stunned! What in the FUCK?!

**Longshot:** Fucking Stan won't stop laughing!

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm kind of giggling myself here because it is kind of funny, baby

**Longshot:** Christ. I feel insane.

**Longshot:** What the fuck happens now???

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Well, I might have an idea...but first, I need to know, do you still want to meet me tomorrow night for dinner (or at all)?

**Longshot:** Of course I do! Asshole! The fuck kind of question is that?!

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** XD God I adore you

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Well Bill is nervous as shit about meeting Stan

**Longshot:** He should be, Stan is lethal 

**Longshot:** But Stan's nervous too. He knew Bill was going to be back in town this weekend and was going to suggest meeting up somewhere but he's a fucking coward

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** And that brings me to my idea...if you're game.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Maaaaybe we can turn our dinner tomorrow into a double date thing? So it takes some of the stress off? 

**Longshot:** That could work, yeah...I like that idea

**Longshot:** And if we wanted to go somewhere else from there, we could. You and me.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, if you wanted that

**Longshot:** I do. I want that.

**Longshot:** Stan said a double date meet up works for him. Apparently it works for Bill too. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** LOL he's sending me like 4799633 texts right now. XD

**Longshot:** This is so insane.

**Longshot:** Seriously, this could not get crazier. 

**Longshot:** What's your name, by the way? Your real name.

**Longshot:** You there? 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** BRB

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Context warning for this chapter:
> 
> \+ A comedian (not Richie) jokes about a consensual affair with an authority figure when he was 17
> 
> \+ Richie jokes about being neglected by his parents in his act
> 
> \+ Eddie has a bad experience with a call from his mom and has a panic attack. He messages Richie while he's still upset.
> 
> Please let me know if more warnings are needed!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings for this chapter:
> 
> \- Description of Sonia Kaspbrak's horrible treatment of Eddie, namely belittling him and ignoring his wishes  
> \- Threats to pursue medical treatment against someone's will  
> \- Suggestions of a possible "conversion center"  
> \- Descriptions of a panic attack
> 
> (All in the beginning of the chapter, ending by the 10th paragraph)
> 
> Please let me know if more warnings are needed! 
> 
> Thank you for reading. :)

Eddie settled back on the couch and sighed, his breathing still slightly erratic from screaming and crying an hour earlier that evening. 

He shouldn't have taken the call. He knows that now. Sonia Kaspbrak had never been a true source of comfort for Eddie, but he still felt a strong sense of obedience to her. When Eddie moved to L.A. to attend UCLA on a full scholarship, Sonia was convinced that he would die soon, and horribly. Even when he thrived, graduating with honors and finding a home, and work, Sonia was not deterred in her belief that Eddie was doomed. 

Eddie was sick of it, so he began tossing aside her letters and avoiding her calls, but tonight he had just stepped outside after the comedy show and was riding a high of laughter and excitement at meeting Hotshot. His phone rang, and he answered it on instinct, and the night collapsed from there.

His mother, true to form, had called because she was "worried about Eddie's lifestyle choices" - living in L.A., also living with a gay man, being gay himself, etc. 

It wasn't anything new, and Eddie was ready to simply hang up when she mentioned that she'd sent his contact information to a clinic in Maine that specialized in "detoxification", whatever that meant. In Sonia Kaspbrak's opinion, Eddie needed to "come home" to Maine (fuck that, L.A. was more home to him now than Derry had ever been), and let her take care of him - with help from the clinic, who would be monitoring Eddie's health very carefully. 

Eddie had paced in the parking lot of the comedy club, informing her that she had no right to give out his contact information like that and that he would not open any mail from her or the clinic, and if she kept this up, he'd change his number and cut her out of his life completely. Predictably, Sonia became hysterical, then furious, and ultimately threatened to get power of attorney over him and declare him mentally incompetent due to his "perversions". If that didn't work, she would look into having him involuntarily committed to a mental health facility until he started behaving more "rationally".

The rest was a blur. Eddie remembered screaming at her, and Stan gently directing him to his car and carefully easing him into the passengers seat. He drove them home while Eddie threatened to never speak to Sonia again, and this time he meant it, that he was healthier and happier now than he'd ever been, and that she was a horrible parent who did an ungodly amount of damage to her own child. After he hung up, Eddie sobbed into his hands as Stan parked the car, trying to breathe normally as Stan rubbed his back soothingly and handed him a fresh pack of tissues from the glove box. 

Once Eddie was okay enough to head upstairs, Stan immediately directed him to the couch and put on one of their favorite episodes of The Office. As it loaded, Stan headed into the kitchen to grab a couple of bottles of hard lemonade and bags of Chex Mix and Brownie Brittle, then sat next to Eddie and calmly informed him that there was no chance in hell that Sonia Kaspbrak was going to have any power over Eddie ever again. 

Eddie's hurt had turned to anger, then quickly shifted to horror as he realized that he'd never sent a message to Hotshot letting him know that he wasn't still at the comedy club. He'd sent a series of messages on SweetLife, each one more pathetic than the next, knowing that this man - this funny, sweet, caring, sexy man - deserved better. Someone just as successful as he was, maybe. Someone who didn't have embarrassing mommy issues and a mountain of debt. Someone who wasn't Eddie. 

But, of course, Hotshot had completely rejected that idea, and was genuinely concerned. He was able to make Eddie laugh, and was being so incredibly cute and adorable when Stan suddenly sat up, staring intently at his phone. 

"Holy fuck. Um. Eddie? You know the guy I've been talking to on SweetLife? ManOfLetters?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, um. His name is Bill, by the way, and...he knows your guy. Wild&CrazyGuy." Stan looked over at Eddie with wide eyes. "Like he knows him personally."

Eddie froze. "What?" he whispered.

"Yeah." Stan made a strange sound, a cross between a cough and a yelp. "They're...friends."

"How...?"

Stan snorted, then started giggling like a madman. "Holy shit, Eddie."

"How the fuck...what in the _fuck?_ Fucking how is this possible? Did you know anything about this? Stop laughing and look me in the eye and... holy shit, okay, or you can just fall on the floor! Like a goddamn child! Stop laughing and tell me how this is possible, Stanley. Stan, I'm serious. Stan...STAN!"

Once everything had (mostly) calmed down, Eddie headed into his room to talk to Hotshot privately. His mind was still racing from the bizarre coincidence, but everyone's reaction (and common sense, if Eddie was being honest with himself) let him know it was just one of those crazy things. Just the universe fucking with him, yet again. 

Eddie got into bed, still waiting for Hotshot to return. Asking for his name was kind of a bold move, but they'd be meeting up tomorrow anyway, and at this point, it seemed kind of stupid not to know. 

As he waited, Eddie looked over the most recent pictures that Hotshot had sent - a shot of his bare back, taken with him standing in front of a mirror. His back was broad and slightly muscular, and Eddie was aching to run his hands all over that smooth skin. The second picture was of his shoulders, also taken in front of a mirror, and Eddie nearly groaned at the thought of sinking his nails into the thick muscles as he got slowly and deeply fucked. 

Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough. Realistically Eddie couldn't assume that he'd go home with Hotshot, but if he was as adorable and sexy as he was in his messages (and pictures), Eddie wasn't going to turn him down. 

His phone chimed with an incoming message and Eddie settled into the pillows with an excited grin. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Sorry, I'm back. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Um are you planning on Googling me?

Eddie snickered. The poor guy was nervous. Eddie figured he could soothe his worries, or he could tease him.

Eddie went with the latter. 

**Longshot:** Maybe. Do you have derogatory things about you online? A scathing website set up by a jilted ex?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** XD omg that would be hilarious. But no.

**Longshot:** Do you have a porn video out there somewhere?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** LOLOL OH SHIT

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** That would be insane!!! But (sadly?) no. 

**Longshot:** Hmm....now I'm wondering if you're secretly a famous politician, and you're looking to have a torrid gay affair and keep it under wraps 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Ew, gross!!! 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** A politician??? Ewwwww

**Longshot:** Lol okay then

**Longshot:** It's okay, I'm just messing with you.

**Longshot:** I'll call you Hotshot until we actually meet

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Cool :)

**Longshot:** But you'd better tell me your real name when we meet. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I promise you'll know my name when we meet. <3 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh shit my friend Mike is calling me from London, I'm gonna take this call but are you going to still be up in about ten minutes?

**Longshot:** Yeah it's gonna be hard for me to sleep tonight. Crazy day.

**Longshot:** I'll be here. :)

Immediately after closing the SweetLife app, Eddie pulled up YouTube to watch something as he waited. If he kept looking at Hotshot's pictures, he'd definitely start jerking off, and he kind of wanted to save that until Hotshot returned. Eddie also didn't want to start thinking about the horrible phone call he'd gotten, so the obvious solution was to distract himself. 

And he thought of the perfect thing to watch. The curiosity was just too great. 

Eddie searched for _Richie Tozier Drunk History_ and came up with a few results, but the highest viewed one was official, subtitled "Richie Tozier goes through the five stages of grief while describing the making of Apocalypse Now (while very drunk)".

The segment started like every other one, with the celebrity narrator preparing a drink. Richie raised a bottle of Crown Royal XR Whiskey to the camera and waggled his eyebrows. "It's appropriate that I'm drinking this, because I'm the King of Dick Jokes." The shot then changed to Richie laying on a couch, holding up a glass of whiskey, toasting the camera with a crooked grin. 

Eddie felt his heart rate increase and he paused the video to take a breath. _Damn._

Richie Tozier was handsome as hell. Eddie had always found him to be a scruffy kind of attractive - sexy, even. He hated to admit it, but a latent crush helped Eddie to choose Richie as one of his top favorite comedians, even though he did actually think he was funny. But Richie being hot certainly didn't hurt matters. 

When Richie had come out on Twitter, Eddie had first assumed he was doing a bit, but then he saw the video he'd posted, where he'd looked so nervous and genuinely scared that Eddie felt something ache in his chest. He was tempted to create a Twitter account just to send an encouraging message, but common sense won over and instead, Eddie's mind had raced with fantasies. His favorite was one involving Eddie somehow getting backstage at one of Richie's shows; Eddie would curl himself onto Richie's lap, leaning down to kiss him as he stroked at the stubble on his jaw, and Richie would return the kiss while slowly pulling off Eddie's clothes, then would bend Eddie over a nearby couch and fuck him within an inch of his life. 

Eddie shook himself. He was admittedly pent up, and was also wired from seeing Richie live just a few hours prior. Fantasies were all fine and good, but Eddie was going to meet (his boyfriend? partner?) Hotshot soon, and it wouldn't do to get himself all worked up over another guy. Plus, if Hotshot was an indeed an agent, or otherwise involved in the entertainment industry, it was possible he _knew_ Richie. He could be his client, or his friend. And if the dinner with Hotshot went well, it was possible that Hotshot and Eddie might start dating. Lusting after a boyfriend's client, or his _friend_ , would be incredibly shitty. Plus Richie mentioned having a boyfriend in his act, who he was obviously crazy about, so the whole thing was just a stupid, latent crush that Eddie needed to completely forget about.

Eddie sighed and unpaused the video. 

"Hello." Richie swirled his drink and smirked at the camera. "My name is Richie Tozier and today I'm going to tell you about the making of..um. Alpaca. Now." Richie giggled. "Lhasa Apso Now. Fucking...the great pockle debacle." He snorted and set his drink down. "I'm not...I don't know if I can express myself correctly, guys."

_"You want to try again?"_ The off camera voice was very patient sounding, and Richie giggled in response.

"I'm not _that_ drunk, I can do this... whoa. There's, there's more than one of you. Um."

_"You've got this. Today we're going to talk about..."_

"Today I'm going to tell you about the making of Apocalypse Now! Haha, fuck you, I did it! Fuck youuuu!"

_"...Okay, so..."_

"Yup, yup. I've got it."

Richie's voiceover began as Jack Black appeared on screen, stroking his beard. A caption popped up introducing him as Joseph Conrad. 

"Okay, sooo. Apah...App...ugh, Apocaaaalypse Nooooow, fuck you again, I said it right, is based on Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. Which is a fucked up book, by the way." 

Jack Black as Conrad put his arm around a random guy and told him the synopsis using Richie's narration. "Basically this guy Marlow has to go get a really goddamn dangerous psycho named Kurtz, and there's themes of racism and madness and it's basically a downer. Fun fact, the line from the book, "Mistah Kurtz, he dead" is also in the T.S. Eliot poem "The Hollow Men", and that's a really good, really long ass poem. And I fucking knew that before I studied for this thing! Suck on my dick, read that good shit, and get fucking cultured!" Jack Black as Joseph Conrad slapped the random guy on the ass and the camera went back to Richie. 

"Um..." Richie clinked the ice in his glass and looked off to the side, his eyes unfocused. "Soooo..." Richie frowned and looked back at the camera. "What?"

_"I didn't say anything."_

"Oh. Thought you...hmm. Anyway, so! Fast forward to the seventies! John Milius wrote Dirty Harry and its sequel, Magnum Force. A little backstory here..." Richie held out a hand, splaying his fingers, and Eddie nearly groaned. _Fuck. Long fingers...big hands...ugh, stop._

Richie squirmed on his couch and continued. "John Milius wanted to serve in Vietnam, but they said "No, you can't go, you have asthma. No dice. Sorry. Go...go fuck yourself. Asshole." Which is rude, right? So later, in life, John heard that no writer was able to successfully adapt the Heart of Darkness and he thought, 'Fuck you, I'm going to try it! Fucking watch me!'" In the reenactment, Joseph Conrad gave John Milius (played by Rob Riggle) a gleeful fist bump. 

"Yeah. Soooo originally, George Lucas was gonna direct it, but he was busy with other shit and didn't want to get into all the shit that comes with making a movie about Vietnam, so he said, "Nah, I'm out", but Francis Ford Coppola was like "This movie is happening whether everybody likes it or not, so I'm directing this bitch now, strap on your strap ons, because this shit is going DOWN."

"Ahh!" Richie looked down at himself and grunted. "Fucking spilled a little. Fuck."

_"Do you need anything?"_

Richie sneered. "What I need is you and everybody else to know that I'm gonna fucking ace this test like a motherfucker."

_"There's no test..."_

"The fuck there isn't! This is the test right here, and I'm gonna pass! With flying colors! Suck on my rainbow! Are you hearing me right now, America? Because suck my dick. Fuck you. Fuck. You. If you doubted me for even a second, you suck my dick. Make a line! A line for the dick sucking! Form a line right here!"

Bob Odenkirk portrayed Francis Ford Coppola in the episode, complete with a barely glued on beard and moustache, and he used Richie's rant as a voiceover to scream at a wincing John Milius.

Richie went on, gesturing wildly as he shifted around on the couch. "They got Dennis Hopper to be in it, and he's a madman. Coppola asks him "How can I, uhhhh...how may I help youuuu with your character study thing you got going on here, as an actor and shit?" And fucking Dennis Hopper goes "You can start by giving me an ounce of cocaine". Like he literally said that. That's...that's crazy right there. And he also refused to bathe the entire time, and that's just gross."

The episode had Derek Waters as Dennis Hopper, and he stepped forward as Richie described his on set antics, with Francis Ford Coppola rubbing his hands in the background like a cartoonish evil villain.

Richie sighed and took another sip. "I truly believe that if I keep drinking, I'll do better."

_"You're doing great."_

"Cool, that's cool. Okay, so the movie's already going off the rails very early in production. Francis Ford Coppola is two weeks into shooting, and he fiiiiires the star! Who is Harvey Keitel, by the way. So who in the fuck is gonna replace him? I'll tell you who - Martin. Fucking. Sheen."

Scott Eastwood guest starred as Martin Sheen, and he stepped forward, looking around at the fake set for Apocalypse Now in barely concealed horror.

"Martin Sheen was not doing well at the time. That famous scene in the beginning of the movie, where he's all fucked up in the hotel room? All real. He almost attacked Francis Ford Coppola, who was just like, "Oh! My new star is having a breakdown! He needs medical attention! Meh, all that can wait, but in the meantime, let's keep the camera rolling because this shit is gold!" I mean, that is just really fucked up. Damn."

Richie took a sip and shook his head like a dog shaking off water. "Mmmm Martin Sheen, though! Body like a fucking panther in that movie. He could kick my ass and look so pretty doing it. All lean, muscled...fucking yeah, man. You know? Fucking. Yeah."

The show cut to the actors playing Brando and Coppola making curled claws at Scott Eastwood as Sheen and mouthing "Rawr!". 

The next shot was of Richie's smile fading. He shifted uncomfortably on the couch and looked down at his glass. "Um. So, my ice has melted..."

_"We'll get you some more ice."_

"Mmmkay. So. Um. The producer comes along, and he's horrified, because the film set is like the third circle of Hell. The prop guy is like, "Yeah, well, we have dead bodies up in this bitch, so go suck on that kernel of knowledge." And the producer goes "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" He's very very upset about this...this piece of information. Underssssdtandably so. They literally got the bodies from a guy who turned out to be a grave robber. This shit is so insane, you're not gonna get another episode like this. I mean, like, you're not gonna get a show dedicated to the making of The Princess Diaries. Or arrrrrre you? Maybe Julie Andrews and Anne Hathaway had like a fight club going. Fuck, that'd be cool."

Richie giggled and set his drink down. "Oh man. Am I...making any sense at all? I feel like I'm slurring like...like a lot. And rambling."

_"You're doing fine. It's all good."_

"Cool. Where was I? Um. Well, they cast Marlon Brando as Colonel Kurtz. Fuck...Marlon Brando. The most beautiful man ever... beautiful. Have you seen A Streetcar Named Desire? Fuck." 

The shot cut to Tim Heidecker as Brando looking increasingly confused as Richie talked. 

Eddie winced. It was clear that Richie was feeling very uninhibited due to the amount of drinks that he'd had, and this was before he was out. 

Richie groaned and rubbed his forehead. "Uhh. What? Yeah. Brando shows up...he's become massive. And he does not give any kind of fucks. "What kind of movie is this? Oh wait, I don't give a fuck. Give me my goddamn money and a cheese sandwich, not necessarily in that order. Extra crispy on that sandwich, fucko." It's Marlon Brando!" He snickered. "Fucko. Gonna use that one again. But yeah, everyone's just "So we'll just wait here? While Marlon fucking Brando sits in his trailer eating chips and reads the script for the first goddamn time, ever?" 

"Ugh." Richie grunted and ran his hand through his hair. "I keep talking about hot dudes. My girlfriend is gonna be so pissed." Richie closed his eyes and laughed softly. "Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Never...not even...mmm."

_"You okay?"_

Richie snorted. "Whatever." He giggled and sloshed his drink around. "What am I saying right now?"

_"...You were talking about Marlon Brando."_

"Mmm. He was a tasty bitch. But yeah, another thing about this movie? Martin Sheen almost fucking _died_. Martin Sheen actually told his friends, "I might fucking die. Full on death. That...that's my reality right now. Have fun with knowing that. And bye, maybe." And no, I'm not directly quoting him. I mean, I don't think I am...?"

Richie set his drink down with a sigh and snuggled up to a pillow on the couch. "But no. I think Martin Sheen was more elegant. Elephant. Elllllloquennnnt." Richie frowned, his gaze becoming unfocused. "Um, what's going on?"

_"You were talking about Martin Sheen almost dying."_

"Oh yeah. It gets really bad, and at one point Martin Sheen is walking around the set, feeling like every kind of shit. The production designer takes one look at him and starts to fucking _cry_. A doctor comes in, Martin Sheen sees the look on his face, and immediately asks for a priest. He's getting the last rites, as he's a Catholic man who believes that he's about to die."

Richie's face suddenly crumbled and he hunched over, softly sobbing into his hands. 

_"Um... Richie? You okay?"_

"I'm sorry," Richie whimpered, pulling off his glasses to wipe at his face. "I'm just...I'm alone, and I'm a fucking liar..."

_"It's okay. We're here, you're okay. Do you want some chocolate? Here..."_

Richie leaned forward, sniffing and grabbing a few pieces of candy. "Thanks. Sorry."

_"Do you need to take a break?"_

"Nooo, we're almost done."

_"Take your time. Eat slowly."_

Richie stared blearily at the floor as he chewed. "Makes me think of Halloween. Always liked that holiday. Trick or treating. Scary movies. You can pretend. Be whatever you want. Whoever you want." He sniffed and rubbed at his eyes again. "And there's always lots of Reese's peanut butter cups."

_"M &Ms are good too."_

"Yeah, now they've got, like, a million different kinds. But yeah, and um. Twix bars rock. Skittles, too. And Baby Ruth bars are great."

The show used Richie's distracted mumbling about candy as a voiceover for Marlon Brando extolling different kinds of candy while Francis Ford Coppola took notes, and Dennis Hopper and Martin Sheen rolled their eyes.

"Okay." Richie sat up and ran his hands through his hair, which gave Eddie a slight thrill, but he silently chastised himself and kept watching. 

"Okay, I've got this. So...Dennis Hopper and Marlon Brando totally hated each other, but that didn't stop them from making this now legendary movie..." Richie wrapped up the story of Apocalypse Now, going over the accolades it received and it's legacy, then as the music swelled and the actors in the skit joined in an extremely awkward looking group hug, Richie grunted and staggered to his feet. 

_"And they lived happily ever after?"_

Richie snorted. "Sure. Fucking...happy endings for everybody except me." He wandered into the kitchen, then back to the couch and collapsed onto it with a loud groan and stared blearily at the camera. "Maybe I'm just doomed. Or cursed. I don't know. I don't know anything except..." He smiled, but without humor. "...I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving..." 

_"Um..."_

Richie got up and stumbled toward the camera. "Ugh. Relaaaax, it's a quote from the movie. I'm fine. Everything's fine."

_"This is kind of starting to feel like a found footage horror movie..."_

Richie snorted. _"You're_ a found footage horror movie," he slurred as he wandered past the camera. 

The next shot was of Richie standing in a darkened corner of the living room as the camera crew muttered amongst themselves. 

_"Um... Richie? Is he...? Rich? You okay, man? Richie..."_

"I'm Blair Witching!" Richie shrieked, and the closing music played over the credits.

* * * *

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay I'm back :)

 **Longshot:** So I just watched Richie Tozier's episode of Drunk History...

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** oh

**Longshot:** He did a good job! But he seemed sad in that episode

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** yeah

**Longshot:** I saw him perform tonight. I'm glad he's out now, he seems happy.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** yeah definitely :)

Eddie bit his lip, and began typing **If you see him, tell him he's great and I'm happy for him** , then quickly erased it and sent a different message.

**Longshot:** I did have fun tonight. Until my mother called, of course. Thank you for the tickets. :)

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm so glad you enjoyed it, baby. :D

Eddie grinned and curled up on his side. He wanted to feel those arms around him, and to rest his head against Hotshot's chest, listening to his heartbeat. All that sappy shit he used to ridicule, now he wanted all of it for himself. 

**Longshot:** You're so good to me. :) It was a great show. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** :D :D :D

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** So, did you have any favorites from tonight?

**Longshot:** Hmm...well, Stacy Reese was fantastic. She reminded me of a cross between Greg Giraldo and Ali Wong. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** OMG I'm gonna tell her you said that, she LOVES Ali Wong. Yeah, Stacy's hilarious. :D 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm working on a special, actually, of women comedians, and she's going to be in it. 

**Longshot:** That's fucking cool. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Yeah, I'm excited about it. :) 

**Longshot:** Abby Lakowski was kind of gross but funny as shit. "At this point my idea of romance is shaving my cleavage for date night" LOL the fuck.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** OMG she's a firecracker. She's in the special too. :)

**Longshot:** It was a great show. Aiden Porter is a fucking madman. And Richie Tozier was absolutely amazing, but that's not surprising. He's brilliant.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** gjmk hns

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** sorry almost dropped my phone and pressed some buttons by accident

**Longshot:** You're cute. :)

**Longshot:** I feel like I should be able to add everyone in the Comedians of Comedy show to my list, by the way. They're all too good to leave out.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** We're way beyond top 10!

**Longshot:** Yeah, but fuck it. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You're adorable, baby.

**Longshot:** :)

**Longshot:** Did you get the last picture that I sent you? The one you requested?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** !!!!

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy fucking shit I saw there was something in my inbox but I haven't looked at it yet

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Hold on a sec...

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** OH MY GOD

**Longshot:** lol is that a good 'Oh my god'?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** FUCK

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** oh fuck oh ft it ct jggb

**Longshot:** uh...

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** oh my fucking God

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Baby if I came home and saw you like that on my bed, on your hands and knees with that gorgeous ass of yours in those shorts...

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** there's no way I wouldn't immediately come in my pants

**Longshot:** Lol I doubt that. But you're sweet.

**Longshot:** Maybe we should put that theory to the test tomorrow night after our double date. Maybe I want to tease you and see how hard you can get.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** oh fuck baby are you serious???

**Longshot:** Yeah

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy fuck

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I am so fucking hard right now. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** God, I want to be inside you.

**Longshot:** Oh fuck I want that. 

**Longshot:** I want you 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I want to hold you and kiss you and watch you as I move inside you

**Longshot:** Please yes I need that

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm going to take such good care of you, baby. You're mine and I'm yours.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** God, I adore you.

**Longshot:** You can have me

**Longshot:** I want you

**Longshot:** I'm yours

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck, you're gonna make me come.

**Longshot:** Record it, I want to hear you.

**Longshot:** I'm so close, thinking of you fucking me and being so deep inside me

**Longshot:** I'm going to let you hear me come 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Oh god fuck yes I want that

**Longshot:** I want to be good for you

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You're being so good baby so good

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Fuck. Holy shit. I'm gonna come in you

**Longshot:** Oh my fucking God yes

**Longshot:** Please please I'm so close

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Holy shit my hands are shaking

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Okay here baby

\-- Wild&CrazyGuy sent an audio file: [s95p17t.mp3]

**Longshot:** Oh fuck oh fuck

**Longshot:** fuck I thought I was gonna pass out

**Longshot:** Okay let me send this before I lose my nerve

\-- Longshot sent an audio file: [s96p19t.mp3]

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Baby are you sure it's okay I play that?

**Longshot:** Yeah I trust you. It's okay.

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Thank GOD okay cool just a sec

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** ...WOW

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I just came about a minute ago but after hearing you like that my dick actually twitched

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** If you were here I'd be working my way towards fucking you again already

**Longshot:** Good god

**Longshot:** How weird is it that I just fucking recorded myself having an orgasm but I'm hiding under the covers right now like a dweeb?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You are the cutest thing. My sweet baby. 

**Longshot:** You sound so sexy when you come. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** So do you baby. I want to hear you make those sweet noises as I fuck you

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I want to hear you as I touch you and suck you off

**Longshot:** You're incredible.

**Longshot:** How am I so crazy about you already?

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** Babe, I feel so fucking lucky that you're even talking to me. I adore you. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I just hope you feel the same way after we meet.

**Longshot:** I'll fall even harder for you. 

**Longshot:** Am I saying too much? Shit, I don't want to scare you away

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** You couldn't scare me away. I'm not going to stop wanting you. 

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'll be here as long as you want me

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'm not going anywhere until you ask me to leave

**Longshot:** I won't 

**Longshot:** No one's ever made me feel like this before

**Longshot:** And tomorrow night I'll tell you that in person

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I can't wait baby

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'll tell you the same thing

**Wild &CrazyGuy:** I'll tell you everything

* * * *

"I'm gonna fucking die," Eddie moaned as the car pulled up to the Firefly restaurant. He and Stan took a Lyft so they could both drink, and both of them were too nervous to drive. "Holy shit. I feel like I'm gonna scream."

Stan fretted with his curls and mumbled a thank you to the driver as he and Eddie stepped out. "Fuck. Fuck. What if this is a huge mistake? What if Bill's a psycho? Or a total fucking asshole?"

Eddie flexed his hands, fighting the urge to mess with his own hair. He'd spent a ridiculous amount of time working on his appearance, going through several outfit changes and studying his reflection with the precision of a surgeon. He was a bundle of nerves and seeing Stan unusually rattled wasn't helping matters. "We don't know if it's a mistake yet. If Bill's a psycho, we'll outrun him. And if he's an asshole, I'll throw a drink in his face, then we'll leave."

"Yeah." Stan huffed out a breath. "For the record, I don't think he's a psycho."

"Neither do I, and I seriously doubt Hotshot is either."

"You're right. This is fine, it'll all be fine." Stan continued to fret with his hair as they entered the restaurant and gave the name Jackdaw for their table. The hostess lead them to a cabana in the back, which already had most of the curtains closed and drawn. She excused herself when they got closer and promised that a server would be with them soon. 

Stan took a deep breath and gestured at the man who sat at the table, his back to them as they approached. "It's...it's him. That's Bill."

Eddie nodded. He was shorter than Hotshot, with lighter hair and less of a broad frame. Eddie's stomach tightened as he realized Hotshot wasn't there, wondering for a horrible moment if he'd been ditched.

"C'mon," Stan said softly, gently reaching for Eddie's arm. Eddie forced himself to focus on his friend and gave him an encouraging grin as they got closer. He fell back as Stan smiled nervously and walked up next to Bill, watching him jot something down in a small notepad. 

"Are you going to be taking meeting minutes tonight, because I...oh my fucking God." Stan froze, staring at Bill in complete shock. "You're...you're Bill Denbrough."

Bill looked up and dropped his pen. "Holy sh-sh-shit," Bill whispered. "Y-you're here."

Eddie fought back a burst of shocked laughter. Stan's Bill was Bill fucking Denbrough? Bill Denbrough _himself?_ The famous fucking writer, who had a ridiculous amount of books and movie adaptations and hit TV series based off his works? The guy who Hollywood deemed as "The Master of Horror" was the same guy staring at Stan like he was an angel?

This night couldn't get any crazier.

"...Eddie?"

_Oh._

_Oh god._

Eddie knew that voice. In more ways than one.

He turned, and all his thoughts turned into stunned silence when he saw Richie Tozier staring at him in shock. 

"My god." Richie's eyes were wide. "You're so beautiful."

"You're..." Eddie could only stare. He couldn't think. He couldn't speak. 

_Oh my God. Oh God._

_It's Richie Tozier._

_I've been talking to Richie Tozier this whole time._

"...Holy shit."


End file.
